Downhill Battle!

I feel like I’m dying while awake! I’ve been utterly depressed for the last three weeks! I don’t even feel like writing but there’s nothing to do tonight at work and this was all I could think of to get my mind off the 6 hours I have left to be here before I can go back home and crawl into my bed. The only place I’ve wanted to be since the downward spiral began. I feel like I’m becoming a loner. I don’t want to talk to anybody because my energy is too negative and I don’t want to see anybody because I don’t like people right now. Everybody at work keeps asking me am I alright but when I tell them, “No!” they can’t fix it so why do they even ask????? I think they're just being nosey! I hate nosey!
I’m so lonely! I’m so lonely and I can’t change it! I just went out for a birthday party last week and saw all the SAME people that I used to see when I used to hang out back in the day! I feel like I need a change of scenery! I live in the guesthouse on my parent’s property because when my sister moved out, they needed the help financially and now I just want to bail out on them too! I’m tired of hearing about their problems! The SAME problems they complained about when I was a teenager and lived at home! My mom spends too much money, so says my father and my dad drinks too much beer, so says my mother and I don’t GIVE A SHIT about either! When I didn’t live close, I never had to hear it and now it seems like because I’m there, I’m the “go to” person when they’re having problems! Get a fuckin’ counselor!
I would like to move away somewhere far away from everything and focus only on my writing until it becomes what God has destined for it to be. Somewhere warm, somewhere to inspire inspiration. I want to get away from all these lames ass clubs with these lame ass niggas and start over fresh. But then that gets me to thinking about my age..... How do you start over fresh at 37? It sounds ridiculous and enlightening at the same time! Shall I just accept my life for what it has become OR do I make the moves that my insides are telling me to and see where it takes me? This is certainly some kind of mid-life crisis! This is certainly not me!

NEVER

I just don't get it, why me!!! If someone could give me a concrete answer then I would leave it alone!! Since that hasn't been given to me then I guess the search continues. The search for my "best friend" continues. Is love this hard, can't be. When we were younger we didn't think it was going to be like this. Why have some been able to complete their check list so early in life for i.e college, marriage, kids!! WTF, I thought we were all on the same ride. Did I just get off of it too early or were we ever on the bus in the first place.

I have been labeled as a "late bloomer" due to having a child so much later than most of my friends. I used to be the one without kids. Living the carefree life, coming and going as I pleased. Seeing whomever as well as doing whomever. Unfortunately one of my misc. dicks became permanent and to no avail life was formed. DAMN, I thought I was on top of everything, I guess the only thing I was on top of was him. How could this have happened, a child out of wedlock!!! Something I've voweled "never" to do. I guess that is why they say, "never say never"!!

KICK'N ROCKS

I defriended you because that's why you initially contacted me & after being lied to, I felt I needed to.

I wasn't angry about you seeing someone; we haven't been together, talking or anything for a while. Besides, w/all the disputes and conversations over our 4 yrs you've expressed on many occasions how unsatisfied, unfulfilled and how much you weren't receiving what you needed from me in our relationship. So, I'm not surprise that you moved on. Oh, and someone (you, to be specific) once told me that having sex and getting to know someone emotionally are two different things but, I guess that's only when it's you getting yours.

What I was angry about is that you chose to lie, to me. All the while I'm trying to better myself and being happy about rebuilding a friendship (possibly more) w/someone I love & care about, thinking we're allowing one another to go at a pace comfortable for both, you just were getting w/me when it was convenient for you and the maintaining of your new friendship. I never lied to you, never have & never will; I'm not a liar.

This leaves us at this point. Again, not being friends because you think you know everything (me telling my family stuff, which I haven't), you not being secure, trusting and honest w/your own feelings and telling the truth to allow me to be me and have all the information so, I can make a decision that's best for me and treat you the way that would be appropriate for the situation (not flirting w/someone else’s woman, etc) and you needing to have things be the way you expect in your way & on your time (me not calling you back in the time frame you felt it should've happend) so, instead of , Hey, I'm not sure if you're all right, or if you tried to reach me, etc. I get the … I KNOW why I haven't talked to you so; I'm going to say what I need to & have the last word email. For all the times you've told me recently you've changed & learned, I'm left sitting here today feeling, same shit, different day.

Then to top it all off, you want to justify your lies and in the same email if I can't be w/you I'll be w/this person; which I just don't understand. If you're HAPPY, then I'm really of no concern to you & again no reason for you to lie to me.

At this point, you need to do what's best for you, whatever that may be. But, clearly, we are two different types of people and I am not looking to be in a relationship w/someone who can't truthfully & openly express their feelings about me w/o knowing what I'm going to say because they're more concerned of themselves and nothing else, can't express to others their love & feelings for me openly or wants to keep prospects on the side; not never giving fully and doing their best to better their relationship w/me.

You've been very selfish and continue to be and that's just not me.

Do what you feel is right in your heart, have faith and all will come to you, that you deserve.

Wake Up Girl!

I got caught slippin today. Not by anyone out there, by the woman inside of me. She was screaming at me because I'd fallen under this notion that I wasn't worthy... of a look, of a love of my own, of my heart's desires or of the things and experiences I want out of life. She was cussin me out because I appeared to have gotten stuck in an unhappy place, feeling as if my young self were old and outdone, and sooo close to wrinkle and old age that my chances for the happiness I seek were completely gone. I'm so glad she showed up because I was straight believin' the hype, the gas of negativity was choking the shining spirit within.

If she didn't show up I probably would have died, not in the physical sense, but in the sense that leads to the physical sense. I'da probably let myself wallow in self destruction and left myself open to whatever disease to take care of the rest. But I'm not goin' there, the sunlight shone brightly on my face and the wind whipped up against my cheeks and I realized I AM WORTHY! I am beautiful, I am to receive, I am to experiene, I am to be the ME that is ME! I've got a renewed perspective now, one that allows me to see all that my AMAZING CREATOR has placed in me. Watch out!

Officer Liar Lair Pants on Fire!!

I have to tell you about this one...
After a boring day at the daily grind, I wanted a few things from the market. Needing to hurry home to relieve the sitter, I grabbed a few things and as always stopped to take the time to read a label. And as brothas often do, I was pleasantly complimented on my shoes. I saw a beautiful man standing beside me. His skin was perfect and his smile dazzling. I was thinking here we go, another suitor. I mean, I'm not married or even in a committed relationship, so let's rock out. He said he had seen me in the parking lot and had to come back inside to meet me. How cute, I thought. He asked for my number, I gave him my card and we said goodnight.
I had totally forgetten about him as he never called...ever.
Months later...I was picking up my young protege from school and saw this man who never called. Our eyes met as our cars were parked close. It was a summer day and his window was down, and I knew it was him. Dressed in officer blues this time, he smiled as he held his daughter (same age as mine). I said "hey you never called." He said "I'm sorry, I dont know you. Must have been someone else." This banter went on for a few minutes as I was flaberghasted that he would lie and say it was not him. I mean, if you weren't interested, just say so...right? If you had a change of heart, just make up some lame excuse that you couldnt call or couldn't pursue. This Mutha F-a had the nerve to say still "It wasn't me." Ok dude, whatever.
So it is almost two years later, our children are in the same class and this coward still has the nerve to deny this shit. And not that I have even uttered a single word to him. But the energy he gives off everytime we are dropping our children off or picking them up is like a little lost puppy looking for some affection and a meal. I just look right past him and through him as he stares at me.
And then to boot...this nigga is married! I mean the fucking nerve of yall negros. WTF?! So I see him driving with his daughter and woman one day. Lol...well since we are all in the same classroom, I start speaking to the wife once I see her ring to make him uneasy. And partly because I know women are not stupid and she most likely felt the vibe he was giving off. But don't bring your drama my way little boy! However, because I ignore him, I have protected his dirty little secret flirt.
I know I am prettier than her, have a smaller body than her, have real hair and most likely from a better family structure...and I dont want dude...but damn niggas aint shit no matter what.

So I'm going to keep looking right past the bullshit...and pray I dont miss something that was meant for me...

Open Letter

Damn I miss you! I couldn't sleep last night because just about every memory I have of us ran through my mind, like a movie of our life together playing before my eyes. I didn't even call them forth, but then that's how you unknowingly do me. Since the day that we mixed I haven't been able to not desire nor not consider your presence. That's exactly the problem and trust that that's a rough place to be. Nobody compares to you.



In the history of my loving I've never felt, never experienced a love that moved me like this and I thank you and curse you with the same breath. Bad or good you influenced me. Bitter and sweet you deeply affected the woman that I am. And here it is a year later and I'm still trying to find my way back from whatever it was and whoever we were. I guess it's because in you I saw the family that I wanted to co-create, thus the life (at least a piece of it) that I wanted to have. To date I still can't seem to let go of it. I haven't let go of the dreams, desires, hopes and wishes that I placed in you. And I'm sorry, regretting that I placed soo much, too much in your power.



Just wasn't meant... I guess. Even then I couldn't understand the differences because to me they didn't exist. Plain, bright and colorful as they were I flat out chose to not acknowledge them. Funny thing is TO this day I still don't believe that they exist, or at least matter. But then again... Yes I do. So far away from you I see the lack of match... Your years, your expectations Or lack there of, your values, your morals. Damn I'm confused, weary because from a completely different view you were everything and in fact a perfect match. A heart so kind that it went out of its way to respect the elderly and so obviously warm that there was not one child I saw come across you that didn't smile. You fed me, you shared, you condsidered me, you caressed me, lovingly you felt concern over my body, my self value, my spirit, and my sanity enough times for me to notice your authenticity.



I wish...........

SHIT! or get off the Fucking Pot!!! (a letter to my lover)

I am waiting for us to be more than we are. And this is the list of things I can give you, (since I must have to spell it out):

I am giving, loving, loyal, trustworthy, strong, sexual, great in the kitchen, a beast in the bed, a warrior by your side or silent and submissive, full of jokes and laughter or serious when my position calls for it, a go getter, a business minded, creative, cultured, educated, God fearing life experienced phenomenal woman from an awesome uppity upbringing that can ride in the ghetto wit you too…

and

I love you!

…more than I should at times. I crave you in ways one should only crave their husband…but we are not married.

We, just are…
Parents
Friends
Confidants
Lovers

But I am feeling empty. I am lonely more than not. I am unfulfilled where you are concerned. I am not taken care of. And I’m tired.

Three Topics!

You know what? After the day I had yesterday I’m not even sure where to begin????????
The 1st Topic:
Long story short, is a guy from my past that was locked up, just came home and has yet to call me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not psycho and it’s not as if I am having expectations without substance but me and this guy have been writing each other since he’s been in jail and he was locked up for about 6 years. Our last couple of written conversations was regarding his feelings of his inability to be himself in my presence and how he felt it better that we just remain friends and make no attempts at rekindling any flames. Once I expressed in return correspondence that I was uninterested in being a part of another failed “home from jail” relationship and that us being friends wouldn’t mean we would have daily contact because I couldn’t spend a lot of time with him and also be available for my knight in shining armor to come along…….Well, let’s just say that he wasn’t really receptive of that. Which actually, in and of itself, is confusing. If you’re too scared to be you around me and you only want friendship then why feel some kind of way about me not wanting to be involved in the first place? So, of course he attempted to take the mature approach and say that he only wants me to be happy even if its not with him, he’ll always be there for me AND he will never forget how I helped him through his bid by writing him all these years. Yet, when I hear from the streets that this dude finally touched down, I am still left wondering…….Why has he not called me yet? And I feel unappreciated because he hasn’t but do I even have the room to feel anything????
The 2nd Topic:
There is no easy way to put this but yesterday I found out that the young guy that I have been seeing from time to time most recently USED TO DATE MY SISTER!!!!!! WTF? My sister, now married and expecting her 3rd baby told me of their past when she saw a car parked in my driveway and asked who it was! I expected her to know him because we all grew up together on the same street when we were little but how in the world did I not remember that she dated him in the 80’s??? She explained that I was dating a well known rapper back then and I can only assume that because her and her dates had no place in my generation that I just overlooked it or forgot. Then I’m also thinking……how many drugs did I do back in the day to forget this??? She told me that they never slept together and after that statement, I didn’t even have the balls to tell her that I slept with him recently! UGH! I almost want to throw up! Was it too many drugs from my past that allowed me to forget OR is the dating pool just that small that my younger siblings leftovers are now an option???????? If I wasn’t already turned off from the fact that he’s emotionally immature and he doesn’t eat pussy, the thing with my sister DEFINITELY sealed the deal of never talking to him again! Pardon me while I vomit………….
Okay……I’m back!
The 3rd Topic:
Now, topic number 3 comes in the form of a guy I call Crazo. Believe me when I tell you that he earned that nickname with flying colors but why is it that the psycho ones are always the best ones in bed? Well, Crazo has been texting me and trying desperately to put things back together between us. But keep in mind; this is a relationship I ended over 4 years ago. I haven’t slept with him, called him or anything of the sort in 4 years. He has always initiated any contact we’ve had since then and I may have shared a dinner table with him, a handful of times in the last 4 years but he just won’t quit! Our meetings during those times had always been innocuous from my end and injurious from his, always ending with him trying to sleep with me! I was celibate for about 3 and ½ years before impetuously giving it up to the young dude, I just spoke of, over the summer because I was under tremendous stress from some of life’s events and I was acting out. But, now because I’ve been let down by another jail house dropout and found out that I have recycled someone from my siblings past, I would love nothing more than to go for one last romp in the hay with Crazo since today I am feeling crazy myself!
Could I go deep undercover for the purpose of blog material and just see what happens? Do I continue to ignore his advances when I really ain’t got shit else goin’ on right now since youngin’ just got the boot? Do I justify it all in my mind and try to make sense of why I should do it? OR do I keep this chapter of my life closed for good? Crazo can satisfy me sexually, he’s not afraid of the constant pursuit and he compliments me incessantly. Coming off of a guy that didn’t perform oral, never gave a compliment and thought pinching me was a way to show me that he liked me, to the insecure ex-con that doesn’t have the courage to even call, to this thought of fucking a guy who’s great in bed that I know I’m gonna have a falling out with after sex anyway!
Is there any such thing as “Goodbye For Good” sex and if not, am I really willing to find out the hard way?
I feel like I’m consciously spiraling out of control!

Just Thinking....

So, is it wrong to be so happy with who you are and what you're about to just want someone that fits in, where and when they do? If you want to be physical, that's cool too? Then, just go back to being what it is and leaving being physical an option? I mean REALLY, WTH is so WRONG with that???

Maybe I should be more clear as to who I am and where I am in my life at this moment. Umm, I have a GREAT job (anytime you can wear sweats & sneaks & the checks don't bounce) that's GREAT for me :) No young people, that I'm responsible for directly; this is a plus in my book. I have a career as well, that takes and demands a lot of my so-called FREE time (which affords me meeting very different and interesting people from all walks of life, constant parties, food and spitirts *FREE* & Groupie LOVE; but, when the new music isn't done and your not gigging, it's not that available, you're not in the scene) Now, I am not living on my own at the moment (another blog for another day) however, with what I previously stated, I set up the BEST date nights/weekends and opportunities for one-on-one time that most committed relationships lack! So again, I ask, why PRESS ME on being what I am not willing to be with YOU, when you keep PRESSING to get from ME what I WANT??? Laymens/womens terms ... if you want to F*** me, than let it be and let everything else fall into or out of place!?!?!?

I have a GREAT LIFE!!!! I come from two very large, loving, and supportive families (my mom is one of 12 and my dad is one of 18; all by the same parents). I'm used to sharing and very rarely think of JUST myself. I have a plethora of young people that I would make my own if I needed to, that enjoy me when I'm around; as well as they teach me a whole lot about myself too. I have a selective, small set of UNBELIEVABLE, INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL, SUCCESSFUL Friends; which I must admit, might make it hard for those wanting more from me because, they just don't STAND as TALL.

But, again, I'm talking about SEX and you're talking about RELATIONSHIP ... oh shit, did I just answer my own question? CTFU :-0

All this to say ... sometimes if you just go with the flow and be appreciative of what you're receiving at the moment you subconsciencly allow the other person to arrive where you wanted them to be all along. People LOVE to be thier own BOSS and make thier own DECISIONS & YOU ...... YOU, JUST F***** THAT UP ;-)

So once again, I just want to be where I'm at.

Just another day with NO SEX IN THE BIG CITY!

Another Adventure of Mr. Rightnow

Meanwhile back at the office...Little Miss Office Manager is having a dilemma of sorts. Here she is this young pretty successful woman who's Man just dumped her because of all the time she spends at work and not with him. Not feeling all that confident about herself at the time she is haveing a moment of loneliness and decides to call upon Mr. Rightnow for some spirit uplifting and a little innocent flirtation. Now she has somewhat of a crush on Mr. Rightnow and I am hesitant about putting moves on her because of her vulnerable state of mind. She insists that I come out to have cocktail with her and a friend who is with her out celebrating her friends birthday. Now the friend who's birthday it is is having a ball mingling with the men at the bar and indulging in their advances. Not Miss Office Manager she is on the phone begging Mr. Rightnow to come out and have a drink with them. Now this is really strange because this woman who is very attractive and confident in her own right as well as young for her position has no business wanting to be with me. So I finally agree to come out and have a couple drinks with the two ladies. By the time I reached the spot they were drunk and "ret-2-go". Sound like a job for Mr. Rightnow...So I pulled up to the bar and Miss Office Manager comes outside and says "Take me home Daddy!" No problem!
We get back to her place because she was too inebriated to operate any kind of vehicle I drove. We went in and she rolled up "Oh how I do love a good stogie before "Wreck is in Effect". So we sit on the sofa and the baseball game was on, it was the last game between the Phillies and the Dodgers for the NCLS Championship and we were right down the street from the stadium. You could actually hear the cheering from the stadium down her block. It was really cool because as the fireworks started outside they were poppin' off inside too. Miss Office Manager decided to get comfortable and slide on a shirt and sweats. Not the most attractive wear for someone who was "getting ready to rumble" but hey I won't press the issue. I just assumed that she changed her mind and was too drunk to even engage in the activities. Who was I kidding girlfriend had no panties or bra on underneath and I immediatly knew what was on her mind when she walked over too me grabbed my hand and placed my hand down her pants between her legs and felt the flow of love juice soak my hand. She asked me was I ready...little did she know what was in store for her. We proceeded into her room where my clothes came off so fast you would have thought they were velcroed together. She takes one look at my manhood and was like "whoa now i didn't expect that!" I just smiled and told her to relax and lay back. Not before a little flatio though, needless to say the Phillies weren't the only ones knocking it out the park that night. Score one more for Mr. Rightnow.

"I am Woman....Hear me Roar!!!"

My blood began to reach a rapid boil as I listened to my male friend complain about his fiancés lack of ambition and how this deficiency might lead to other issues that he felt may hinder their future. I immediately knew why I was so angry. I have several platonic male friends, genuinely good guys, which find themselves in a similar situation with their wives, live in girlfriends, baby mothers or forever fiancé’s. Yet I know that the distinctiveness they claim to seek in a woman is within me. I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that some men actively seek out women that they feel are unsound in ways they deem wearisome. I think my temperature was 103°, when I decided to ask the question of the hour, “Why are you with someone that you feel is not on your level and not with someone more like me, the independent woman that you claim you need in your life?”

After a significant pause, he replied, “She is a sweet person.” I could feel my brow wrinkle in perplexity. Was I not a sweet person? I cook, clean, do laundry, give massages, please sexually and mentally, add money to the household and watch sports. Is that not sweet? Of course his lame answer was not sufficient and I pressed him for a more detailed explanation. I knew he did not want to be completely honest. His face contorted as if to find a profound retort way back in his psyche. All the while, the answer was really on the tip of his tongue. I decided to give him more time to think so I continued to vent. “I love to cater to my man. I am not above cooking my sweetheart a meal in the middle of the night if he is hungry or rubbing his back when he is weary. Furthermore, I would give my man the personal space to be himself. I feel as though I would want the same space to be me.” Trying not to seem like he was stalling he enthusiastically agreed that those were the things he liked and wanted in a woman.

He exhaled as he begins to finally answer my question, “Yes, you do all of those things and more. You also come from a good family and they too expect certain things from the person you choose to be with. However, I am not ready for that type of responsibility. Being with a woman of your caliber will require work that I am not willing to put in at this time. Basically the woman I am with right now is a project and I can work with that.” My heart was instantly crushed. Although I already knew the answer to my question, it was just frightening to hear it thrown back in my face. All sorts of thoughts begin to overwhelm my mind. My own experiences began pushing and shoving to the forefront. I recollected relationships where I stifled my own ambition and opinion so that my man could be prominent. These men were my ventures. I would occasionally act as if there were tasks I could not accomplish and obstacles that were too much for me to hurdle….all for the sake of letting him feel like THE man. None of those “ventures” ever became the big score. I saw their potential. Now I know they just did not want to reach for that potential. They are content with hoping that one day, maybe, they will achieve their dreams without much struggle or effort. I am sorry to disappoint you but that is a fantasy. In my reality, at the ripe age of 36,”Ventures/Projects” are a thing of the past. It is a form of settling for second when you know you put your head down, stuck your neck out, broke the tape and crossed the finish line first. I can no longer concede victory. I like winning too much.

At the thought of winning, my anger turned hastily into sadness. This is a major defeat for single women. The pool of virile sharks just became a fish pond of guppies. Well, it has for women like me that are ambitious and strong but still want a man that will grab the bull by the horns and take charge. Sorrowfully there are men out here that are afraid to step up to the plate and be unwillingly challenged. To these men I say….Grow a set of balls!! Be afraid of Aids, poverty, death…even complacency; but do not fear a beautifully strong independent woman. More importantly don’t be afraid of being a grown ass man. Are there any available grown men out there anymore? My name is Brooklyn. I am a tiger looking for a lion. “I am woman….hear me roar!!!”

being a mother has brought certain calm about me. i guess that is why i write more now instead of having meaningless conversation. it has been said that mediocre individuals and circumstance will enter my life and i will choose to tolerate it yet be unfulfilled. well i’ve decided to change the stars of the zodiac and not accept the average actions of most. i am worth so much more than i have been given; worth more than what i have accepted. as i grow closer to God...as i see the change in me...i love more...i feel more understanding, empathy and tranquility in my life. yes i am more emotional, though more solid in my thoughts and actions. i do not look at the anguish of life but the joyfulness in it. i am so overwhelmingly pleased...though i have to keep God in my heart and meditate on His word...for i still wake in the middle of the night missing what i knew before.

however, i know what is in store if i follow the path i have begun to walk. i am single and presently that is where God wants me. he is preparing my king to call my name. and i am to wait in serenity...wait for my man to treasure, appreciate, value and respect me. the man of my dreams will do so without influence or assurance. holy mate, designed for me will know my worth and constantly confirm it with love and care. he will be thankful knowing he has found a good thing in me…the righteous me. not a distressed deprived me. so i will not run after any man but be sought after. i have been in a place where man was my every breath, yet God dose not need me there anymore. i am valued and he told me so. yes i want to touch, love and be taken care of. but i have learned and accepted that the Lord has been taking care of me my whole life. i have been intimate with Him in my thoughts and He loves me more than any on earth. i’ve been told to delight myself in the Lord and i shall receive all the desires of my heart. so i love me, myself and i and more outstandingly i love God. yes i wait for my desires to be completed…i wait to become my king’s queen and i pass the time merrily…most of the time

J-roll and the boys made it all good!

I really don't have anything on my mind, but a promise is a promise, even if u take forever to hold up your end. Wink! I must say there's a million stories in the naked city and my fellow bloggers have penned some deep, soul searching ones, but me! Right now, I'm shallow Hal. I don't have as much money as I want right now, my crazy b.m. Keeps trying to bait me into a confrontation b'cuz her life sucks, kicked 1 tenant out, gotta chase another for my money, the mailman's jerking me round, he put my million dollar check in someone elses box, baby! But, I cannot stop smiling, I cannot sleep. I'm like a kid at xmas, ever since j-roll smacked that 98 mph fastball to the wall. I'm 3rd generation athlete/fan, and my Dad who was at the game was on my cell b4 the ball had hit the wall. I was in the bar with a bunch of old ass hater, non-baseball knowing, negative thinkers, and I just keep saying watch. I told one asshole he was going to be the omen that made us win, the look on his face when I was jumping 4 joy, priceless.we not only won but we witnessed history made by ryan and jimmy. We'll be talking about this at the 2049 world series if we're lucky. Hey, I might be donny hathaway during the basketball season, but right now! I'm enjoying this shit right here! This shit right here! Right here! Its got me smiling. Had a ball with the folks at the last parade, one of my buddies who was w/me last year is incarcerated now, back in the feds. But, when we beat LA, and then spank the yanks! I'm gonna be right back on Broad st! Smiling like a priest in a boys home! Lmao.
The journey to the top of the mountain is just as beautiful as the view from the top! Enjoy! Goodbar, OUT!

Let Me Introduce Myself

Ima start by saying, "IT'S JUST HARD!"

This is an anthem that a close friend and I adopted while she was reviewing student scholarship applications for her sorority. In the section of the application that requested that the parent explain the family's situation that leads to the need for scholarship funds, the stretched, stressed mom stated simply in three exact, brief terms, "It's just hard."

As a mom (and apparently, female dad) of two, I could take our anthem and travel many places here. But I am going to choose another pressed path paved by gravel and joy.


So I have made a life decision to be abstinent until I get married!

Crazy, right?!

I KNOW!!!!

At the tender age of 15, I stepped into the place of emptying out who I am, via the openings of my body. I have tried to prove my sensual self to an extent that I trusted would surely convey the fact that I have the capacity to love well and for forever. I was given a passport to find pleasure in pain and simultaneously manufacture relationships doused with ill-intent and fantasy. I have enjoyed the rise and tension of absolute attraction, along with the seduction that mutually and heavily ensued. I welcomed and awaited the sensation of feeling short of breath. I loved saying , "No." and meaning, "YES, YES, YES!!!!"
I think it all made me feel like an adult of sorts; doin' what I wanted, when and how I wanted it. I reveled in discovering that I am bold enough to be nasty and naughty and tireless in my pursuit. It was there that I found freedom and my first meaningful self.

While remembrance of the passion of perfect sex makes me weak in all places imaginable, there lurking in the backdrop of sweat and climax is the inevitable descent toward broken connection and the disappointment of monotonous copulation.

I found myself spending too many nights staring up at a window on my right, numbed, as the moonlight pulled me away from what felt more like my sexual opponent, laying to my left, whom I had let win and sleep with the reward. After each cigarette, I was alone and the same person was there; a feeling of isolation, confusion, and truth wrestled me goodnight. Before I knew it, I was fuckin' and walkin' away and it was fun! I was changing, becoming unlike myself, but a part of a club whose initiation had taken me under long before. For me, every sexual relationship had left me only thinking. And eventhough not one has brought me what I ultimately desired, they all brought me here - to myself - to uncover what I had been yearning the whole time.

I discovered that there is something down deep, beneath the sexes; a truth that there is a vast distance that lays beyond the libido. I needed to step into that abyss, albeit alone, to find that this space is far more savory than the juices that ever ran down my thighs, far more aromatic than his essence that I was able to breathe into my being.

There is a precious peace within me that is awaiting its time to birth, so that my husband may one day enter me relentlessly under a sunlight and moonlight that has already approved.

Meanwhile: It's just hard.

I invite you to take this journey with me.

Merry Go Round!

Even the leaves that dance in the wind are going somewhere and I myself feel stuck. Like I am on a stationary bike and the wheels are moving but I'm not going anywhere. Either that or it feels like I'm riding around looking at the same houses on the same block with the same trees planted in the same places on the same sidewalks. Work then home, Monday through Thursday and then work and to my girlfriend's house on Friday nights, where I hang out with the rest of my single friends. My life has become too redundant and my mood is beginning to reflect such. I need either a serious career change OR the love of my life to show up! I could also go back into my Christianity really deep so that I could feel the loving arms of my Father around me and the loneliness would not feel as heavy. And my days would be filled with a balance of mind and joy, no matter my career! I've been there before and my life was awesome! And since I've been there before, I already know what it takes to get there but what I don't understand is why is it taking me so long to make a u-turn to head towards the road of peace and serenity? Because apparently what I'm attempting to do myself isn't working! And instead, what have I been doing almost every night after work because my job has been wearing me emotionally thin and I have no one to come home to and share my troubles with? Going to the bar and drinking my sorrows away! But just the opposite of a depressed drunk that plays the Whispers on the jukebox and hangs their head down low, I am automatically elated and happy about life after having a few, if not many, cocktails but let's be honest.........I can't live my life in a drunken stooper!

Why Did I Do That???

Life is wonderful, and balanced… Normally! But a sister has hit a dry spell seriously! Regular ol’ dick may be abundant but the good stuff… Now that’s hard to find. And as for Angel, the good stuff is the only stuff that’s comin’ up in here. I got standards, and considering the raggedy ass encounter I not only witnessed but participated in, I knew holdin’ out for quality and not engaging in acquiring quantity was the best bet all along. These random ineffective acts are for the birds, seriously. See I hooked up with this ball player friend of mine. Charismatic, cute enough, and seemingly doing well for himself. We went on a few outings and eventually made way over to his home. He was touchy feely as usual, I’d had a sip so I was definitely feelin the touch. He begged and begged, and eventually made his way down my stomach. Well, when I say his lips were crusty, it’s a deep understatement. Thing is I broke down and let him taste me anyway. I should've known then. Honestly I think he giggled me into it. Made a few off the wall comments about current affairs and I figured … seemingly intelligent he’ll have to do for now. Well ol’ crusty lips licked me so good I wasn’t exactly in the mind set to say no when he asked if he could feel me. What the hell, I ain’t claimin’ nobody now…Not out loud at least, lol! Ok come on in here boy, and let’s see what you can put down. Shit I always wanted to bed a pro, an ex pro is as close as it gets at this moment, check something off the list and live a little Ang! I’ll have you know that this smidgen of a penis sloppily rolled up inside me and started humpin like a dog to a leg, So not only was this nigga totally NOT workin it but he was talkin shit like I was the one about to get turned out. I swear if I’ve learned it once I’ve learned it a thousand times. Those who boast of a good game rarely, if ever, live up to their own legend. By the time, and it wasn’t long (THANK GOD), that he was finished grinding on me this fool was talkin about getting me pregnant and putting me up in some house some where. Mind you he’s got four kids he already doesn’t take care of. You have got to be friggin’ kidding me! Not interested, now or ever, I ran straight for the hills, didn't look back and now I can’t shake him, stalker in our midst. One things for sure he will never, ever see, taste or feel any parts of this EVER!

I'm Ready!

If and when you finally realize that you are not in a boat by yourself does that help to ease the pain of loneliness? Not in my book it doesn’t. Even though you have your other single friends to get you through the monotonous days, most nights are spent alone. It’s almost like I’m constantly a witness to a crime and stuck in this room with a line-up of losers! I have the every three month callers, the once a month callers, the bi-weekly callers and then I have a small group of texters that send me these little shitty messages probably just to feel me out and see if I’m still an applicable item for their “available” list! What kind of cowardice is that? Will all the REAL dudes, please stand up?
My best friend always tells me that God is still preparing my husband and that the time will come but I’m ready NOW! I’ve already been through my cathartic period of no sex, no men and just a personal journey; which in and of itself was enlightening to me as an individual. I really got to know myself; I learned to be honest with myself and came to an understanding as to why sex had to be cut off from my life while I got my affairs in order. For me, with intimacy comes a love stronger than like. I was using sex as a way to be close to someone but without the strings, thinking that I could outsmart “love” and mute my feelings for as long as I wanted…………….Boy, did that blow up in my face! Hence the reason for the personal journey! Once I knew how to deal with myself and I could honestly answer the questions of what I really want and what I’m looking for, to me, it became easy for me to ask those things of someone else because I had rooted out everything that was true within and knew personally that I was only asking for what I deserved and nothing more. But even though I feel like I’ve pulled it all together emotionally, my dating pool seems to leave me wading in the kiddie section with no diving board! Before I said that I was told that I was intimidating because I was outspoken, but back then I was a professional liar so I was continuously dodging shit from left to right; vacillating between fiction and non-fiction. Now………Now, that I am fully aware of who I am and honest about it, it seems worse! These niggas can’t take me calling them on their shit! If you ask me out then I would expect us to go out, not see me months down the line and act like you never asked me just to ask me again! I guess in the past I was more hoping that the tentative dates would never come to be because I usually had so many things going on, so the bullshittin’ about it was easy. Maybe everybody that asks me out has other shit going on like I used to? Maybe its karma coming back to bite me in the ass? Maybe mutha fuckas just need something to say? But I’ve had enough of the games! I say I’m ready! Ready for love, ready to be honest about my feelings, ready to make a lover a best friend first, ready to fuck during a thunderstorm and make love while its snowing outside, ready to build something real on a solid foundation that can’t be shaken by the most indomitable force! I’m ready for the other half of me! Where is he?

"The only never that's for sure, is the never that you'll never know."

Mint Condition

Reservation or Fear

In our pursuit of Happiness we cross paths with those that leave an impact on our lives. We like to refer to them as our possessions, IE. "My Man" or "My Woman". Are they really ours to posses? Is it that we find something in these people that we are lacking in ourselves that keeps our attraction or do we look for those things "in common" we share that we eventually grow bored of because we can almost always assume the outcome. Are we afraid from the past failed relationship and settling for the closest thing to perfect because we have so much in common that we are afraid to challenge our patience and gain enlightenment through experiences that others have had and experiences that we share. It is said that, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Are we stronger from all the baggage we are lugging around? Or do we become stronger when we realize that we should toss the luggage to the side and be more cavalier and throw caution to the wind and embrace the new and allow our hearts to be filled with that euphoric feeling of unsureness, causing butterflies in our stomachs whenever they come around, the constant overwhelming feeling of wanting to be in their company, second guessing ourselves, making sure we are putting our best foot forward. But how far should our foot protrude before creating a facade of the person we think others are looking for us to be without losing who we truly are? So now the question is are we happy with who we are and if so why are we afraid to reveal that person at the beginning of the relationship allowing them to decide if the union should be for a season a reason or a lifetime.

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves"
La Rochefoucauld

Still Alone?!

“Girl, you will find that special one. Just when you least expect it. Have faith!” I can hear my girlfriends’ pep talks in the back of mind anytime I get disheartened. Although I appreciate their encouragement, the fact of the matter is that I am going to be 37 in a few months and as always I am still alone.

In the past 3 years, my dating experiences can only be described as laughable. I’ve been out on a date with a guy whose teeth were so tiny you couldn’t see them even when he smiled. I got a call from a guy’s brother asking me for money to get him out of jail and we’ve never even gone out. When I would not donate to the cause, he firmly stated that he was going to tell his brother to erase my number. Um, thanks!! I am still getting jailhouse letters from my ex-fiancé who is holding on to the delusion that I am saving myself for him. To him, I say, keep hope alive my brother! One man that I was really smitten with claimed that he was truly flattered that someone as beautiful as I would be so interested in him, but still shunned my advances. To add insult to injury, the one that chased me for two years, finally got a chance and within the next 90 days was engaged to someone else…of course. I try not to look over the fence and dream about how green my neighbor’s grass is but it is hard. Maybe I am the one who is always single and never has any kids. I pray to God that I am not, but as each year passes I get more and more discouraged.

I have a fighting spirit, so I decided to try my luck with on line dating. On E-Harmony, my compatibility matches were balding with hair, at least 10 years older than me and on the other side of the country. My never say die attitude still refused to let me give up hope, so now I am trying Match.com. I should’ve continued to look at my matches for free, because in 4 days I got 39 views, 2 winks and not one email. Not to mention out of the 39 views 37 of them were old white men. Ugh!! On a brighter note, the 2 winks were from black men but nobody I would think about dating even on a dare. I swallowed my pride and ventured to search for a Romeo in Match.com’s massive portfolio of single black men ranging in age from 33 to 40. All the men I encountered that were somewhat attractive ended their search range at age 35. Huh? WTF? Do women over 35 even stand a chance dating someone that is remotely close to their age? What can a woman 35 do for you that a woman 36 cannot? I am befuddled.

I try not to ask, “What is wrong with me?” But there are times it slips out of my subconscious to the forefront of my mind. My reassurance comes from my male friends that proclaim I am such a great catch. I am “Wifey Material” whatever the hell that means. Needless to say, I have not found myself in a net being pulled out of this ocean of fish or jumping over a broom with my groom. My other single girlfriends, well some of them, seem to meet men and often times receive date requests, phone calls or even the not so personal text. I would settle for a smoke signal at this juncture. I recognize the cliché’s, “Nothing happens overnight”, “All that glitters is not gold” and the most important “A man cannot make you happy just more fulfilled.” Yet, there are moments when none of these quotes give me comfort. The fact is that I hurt.

Don’t get me wrong, I am secure enough to be by myself on a regular basis and not be lonely. But there are those days, weeks and sometimes months that the loneliness creeps into my heart and makes it ache ever so slightly. The depressed feeling is overwhelming, like there is a lump in your throat and you cannot cough it up or swallow it if you tried. Even worse, the fear that nestles in the pit of your stomach as a constant reminder that there is a race against the clock and you are running out of time fast. A few years ago, my girlfriend firmly announced that she was not like me. More specifically, she could not be alone and had to have someone. Well in case you didn’t get the damn memo. This is not I am Legend. We are not in this world by ourselves. I want companionship just like the next person. I try to not spend every waking moment stressing about being alone. Furthermore, I will not settle for just any old dick to satisfy my craving for love and affection. On the other hand, I am running out of options and I am scared.

Am I Seriously Here?

In my mind, I wasn't supposed to be alone this weekend. Well especially not Friday or Saturday night. I was supposed to be wrapped up in my baby's arms, warmed by his chest, and falling asleep to his heartbeat at 3 in the morning. I was supposed to be hoppin' up at a lazy 11, completely energized from a fierce night of lovemaking and fryin' up some eggs and bacon for him to feast on because I wore him OUT!

I was supposed to be tugged back into bed at noon because he wasn't interested in me being out of his site or touch, and going for round two, three or four. Ringers off, sunlight shut out, and mixed up in emotions that only he and I could understand. I was supposed to be tasting the softness of his lips and sweetness of his neck, feeling the smooth of his skin and strength of his embrace, and knowing that where I was, was safe and loved. In my mind his thick black curls were supposed to be my playground and his lap my chair to rest upon for the afternoon.

I wasn't supposed to be alone, I wasn't supposed to be missing his touch, searching my memory for his face or smile, I wasn't supposed to be holding my pillow wishing that when I opened my eyes he'd be there and that all that ended us never was.

Six years ago...and counting

So what do you do when you know its wrong but you want it anyway? Every inch of your body aches for it when it is gone but you know you should not want it. it is the wrong one...or the right one, but something is fucked up about the circumstances. And you know this deep in your soul. Deep in your inner most feelings and actions it shows through that you are in the wrong situation…but you crave anyway. What do you do then? Can someone tell me because if I am tested this way one more time I think I will give up? But that risk taker spirit that my chemical make-up has so much of, makes me only verbalize giving up…cause I never give up. I am not a quitter as I sit here and laugh at what I’ve just written. I fix things…some Neosporin and a Band-Aid to cover up the argument or indiscretion. But I know what to do in the first place, but I get sidetracked with a smile and some dick at times. Yes, I already know what to do, but I can’t help but wonder if it was me in some way that messed this up. What did I do wrong? What was done right? Did I take care of us? Do I sabotage my relationships in some way? Do I begin to wonder about all of the past so that I may correct my present? Did I bring my past hurt and in turn cause a foundation of hurt to be built? Well I was optimistic and hopeful of the fantasy. I am still prayerful for true love to lavish my life. And what I have is reality…stubborn yet loving me wanting and seemingly unwanted. Things will be different in time. I will be more careful to care for my love. I will not be defeated and I will prevail because my faith is strong. I usually get what I want…to be loved (sigh)…but I must be patient. Tonight I sleep alone again…

i'm a survivor, i'm not gonna give up...

"twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover." ~ mark twain

every once in a while, i come across prose that i wish i had written, or at least that offer me some semblance of peace to my crazy life. i live hard, love hard, work hard, play hard and unfortunately grieve hard. but what is the alternative? to sit around waiting for life to come invite me out to play? not for me... if tomorrow never comes, i want to take my last breath knowing that i gave it my all and stopped to smell every rose and listened to every bird chirp. if i go down, imma go down fighting, even staggering up to throw a punch or two. the following poem relates to love, but there is so much more to it than just that... it is also about strength of character, which is the most important trait i feel anyone could have. one of my friends once told me how much he admired me because in his words, "you are like a prize fighter... you let life get in the first punches in the first couple of rounds to prepare your defense. then once you know his weak spots and know how he jabs and punches, you use that information to knock him the fuck out." while i appreciate that sentiment, and yes, there are times i have scored a win here or there, i still bear the bruises (and possibly the aftermath of a few concussions) from the aforementioned life. having said that, while he is a formidable opponent, i do intend to win. and the only thing that can help me do that is my strength of character.

enjoy... and i hope these words can bring you peace as they have done for me.

i've learned - veronica shoffstall 1971

after a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security

and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open

with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child

and you learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

after awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much

so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn
with every good bye you learn.

Not What I Planned but, a DAMN GREAT DAY!!!

This is not the way I planned on starting my entry however, after the most recent event I said "what a great boost & start"

There's something VERY EMPOWERING about seeing your ex of 4 years and not having no feeling what so ever of love, hate, disgust, loneliness, etc.; you name it, I could've felt it. Instead, I was LIBERATED...and then this so called "dating" became an actual possibility for me.

There's over a BILLION PEOPLE on the planet, go ahead, choose ONE ;-)

Dating, Love and Abstinence!

Question: Can you even call it dating when you’re 36? Cant’t we just call it experimental relationships?
I am at a point where I feel like maybe I’ll just be by myself for the rest of my life! Either the men I meet are star struck, already in a relationship or just plain LOSERS!
Sometimes I feel lonely and sometimes I wonder if I’m even capable of being serious with someone? It’s kind of a comfort to be alone because I can just “do me” but at the same time it’s weird because men hit on me day and night! Telling me how beautiful I am and trying to get my number and it makes me wonder………………..If I’m so beautiful then why can’t I find a person to share my life with? I’m a professional, I don’t have any children, I’ve never been married and I’m attractive. Uh, hello…….is Mr. Right out there? My male friends have told me that I am intimidating because I am very outspoken and forward. I would think that’s more desirable than being shy and docile. I myself would not be attracted to someone who can’t say how they feel. Hey don’t get me wrong, it took me quite a few “trip and falls” before I learned how to be less evasive with my inner most feelings but I was raised a spoiled brat and my motto has always been “closed mouths don’t get fed!” So, when a man says that women who know what they want are more appealing I’m thinking: How and when does appealing turn into intimidating? And now that I think about it, why is the word “dating” at the end of intimidating?
I can’t seem to get a date because I’ve been told that I intimidate! Oxymoron?

I miss the feeling of touch. Hands on my body, lips on my face, breath in my ear, tongue in my mouth, back pressed against the wall or face pressed into the pillow. Is it the act of making love that I miss or is it love that I miss all by itself? Saving myself, saving myself, saving myself for……..that perfect moment? That special individual? My wedding day? I want to be man handled, in the literal sense of being handled by a man. Someone with hands strong enough to hold the weight of all I have been storing up for intimacy.

An Ordinary Thursday Night

It was an ordinary thursday night, nothing special performing my fatherly duties. So as I was dropping my son off from football practice around 8:30 when I received a phone call from an old acquaintance. By acquaintance I mean this woman was a friend of whom I met through mutual friends of ours. Now this woman had been flirtatious with me over the years and we have been on a few dinner dates but nothing ever came of it. The only time that I ever even got close to something sexual happening was a nite of drinks and apps where we both got drunk and I was so tore that I got sick and turned from playa to patient needing attention in a manner in which was more embarrassing than flattering. Needless to say she was interested in having me over for company tonight. Now this woman was fine, half Black half Moroccan with curves like a drift speedway. She did have one request that I bring some party favors. That was a small request because I keep that "Jolly Green Giant". I happened to be in the area because my son lives near by.I guess I got there sooner then she expected because as I walked up to the house the front window was opened and the blinds were open where you could see the inside of the house. I rang the door bell and could hear the shower running from the bathroom, so I assume she was about to shower before our rendezvous. I was able to hear her say "Wait a minute...I'll be right down" and i could see her coming down the stairs. As she was coming down the steps she was wrapping a silk robe over her nude skin and all I could think was "Oh Goodie it's about to go down up in this jawn!" I could see her just as she managed to get the robe on but it was too late, my eyes had already fell victim to the lure of a naked woman who like I said was very attractive...long flowing jet black hair small waist, smooth skin and hips that went from NY to LA. So I came in and we exchanged pleasantries and she apologized for being undressed to which I replied "No I am sorry for being over dressed!" She laughed and as I came in there was this big bag of trash ready to go out for pick-up the next day,so I offered to take it out, not before she said that she remembered a few things she wanted to throw away that was in the refrigerator. We proceeded into the kitchen where she commenced to entice me more inadvertently by bending over in the fridge. While in that position I happened to get a wink from her kitty to which I was pleased and even more ready to retire upstairs to get it on. She went upstairs to get in the shower and I took out the trash. When I came back in from taking out the trash I could hear her in the bathroom on the phone telling someone else she was about to get in the shower and she would call them back when she got out. I proceeded to the bedroom to roll up. Once out of the shower she lotion and put on some sexy underwear and got in the bed. Just as I took off my shoes her phone rang and to my surprise she asked me to be quiet. Now mind you this is my "friend" and never in all of our years as such had she ever asked me to be quiet while she entertained her caller. This seemed strange to me and I thought to myself this must be someone she is serious about. They talked for a few and it seemed as if she were rushed off the phone because her last remarks to her caller was " Okay, tell me about it when you get here". I'm thinking to myself "WTF...when you get here!" I immediately gave her the look like she had three heads. She then calls him right back and asks "How long before you get here Babe?"and hangs up after his response. "This Nigga ten minutes away..." was what she said after hanging up the phone. My reply "Im Out!" I hopped off the bed put on my shoes and proceeded downstairs. As we got to the door to exchange our goodbyes, I wrapped my arms around her slid my fingers between her legs, massaging her taint, she began to laugh and whisper "You so crazy...not tonight !", and I walked out the door. As I walked to my car I laughed to myself thinking about how at the beginning of the episode it seemed like another day in the life for Mr. Rightnow, but it turned out to be more like Mr. "not" Rightnow...