"In The Morning"

When I opened my eyes and reached out my arms to touch you, you weren't there. Was I dreaming? Are you real? The love that I felt, did I really feel? I am not sure because you are not here. I want to believe that this was not a fleeting moment. This was not a one shot deal but you're gone. How does it feel, you ask?...Cold. The left side of the bed is empty and cold. I'm not sure if I would feel better if you left a Benjamin on the night stand. I guess, at least, I would have a memento of your presence and I would know my night wasn't a dream. I would know that you came...in more ways than one. Right now I am not sure of anything because you're not here. It all feels like a distant memory. Were you really making love to me?

You left quietly in the wee hours of the morning to ensure that I could only protest silently....Please don't go. Usually, I'm strong in these instances but my strength oozed out of my vaginal walls when you penetrated me. I'm having a momentary lapse of weakness and I don't like it at all. I feel tainted, unwanted and ultimately alone. Yet you were just here, loving me, passionately. Is my mind playing tricks on me and is my heart sure to follow my mind's lead? I did not sign up to be the "other" woman but ironically I feel that I am not the 1st choice. After a night of passionate, intense, yet sensual love making....Why are you not here in the morning? I truly thought you admired me but the fact that my bed is half full is proof that you had some other place to be that was more important than me. I now doubt the words you uttered in the heat of the moment. Do you really love me or is it these sugar walls you endear? I can't even ask you because you're not here.

I've waited so long for love or at least what I thought love could be. Needless to say, with these disappearing acts, love continues to allude me. I cannot give you my all when I'm not sure how you really feel. All I know for sure is that in the morning, you're not here. You may not realize the significance of you leaving so quietly as to not disturb my slumber. Although, I am use to sleeping alone, at this particular break of dawn, I feel lonely. You touched me deeply and then crept away, I didn't have a chance to ask you to stay. If I am the woman you desire then why is it so easy for you to leave right after you've come? Huh? I guess you could answer me if you were here.

I fear this is a pattern of sorts and I refuse to collaborate on setting this precedence. I am better than that, I am so much more. I will be prepared for the next time I open my door and let you in for a night of sin. I'll make sure there is barbed wire around my mind, body and soul, so I won't be caught off guard again. When that night comes and you decide you want to stay, because now you're entangled....stuck in these sugar walls. You'll look at me pitifully, like a deer caught in the headlights. I'll just smile while I casually let you know that you must go and I'll call you in the morning!!

"Ideal Circumstances"

You know, we're all fools if we think that the ideal circumstance is "ideal"! How would we learn anything if life were perfect?? Without trials how would we become wise through learning, without bad days at work how would we want to aspire to living our dreams, without broken hearts how would we learn how to love, without financial difficulty how would we appreciate and use our money more wisely, without a lover's quarrel how would we grow stronger as a pair, without coming in contact with unmotivated, unambitious people how would we realize how dedicated we are to what we're doing, without fighting our demons how would we grow to the point of becoming the angels we all are?
I guess what I'm trying to say is: If you're waiting for the "ideal circumstance"......*sing along* "Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go!"
The sun comes out tomorrow:)

Under The Knife

So comes the time when the caregiver becomes the patient. Is your stay easier to deal with because you kind of know the ins and outs of hospitalization? Probably not. I'm feeling a little anxious about having surgery. This will be my most serious surgery to date but absolutely not my first brush with a hospital stay.I broke two bones in my back and knocked the four front teeth out the bottom of my mouth, all by the age of 24, so I feel like there's NOTHING I can't handle!

I feel like this blog entry SUCKS!

WTF am I even talking about? I'd much rather talk about love and how it has changed me! How happy I am with my better half and how I want my future to include him in every single aspect of it, or I could talk about my new movie that I'm going to start writing! I really feel like the area of which I plan to enter for this screenplay is an untapped market. Nobody has ever dared to go to this gritty, drama filled place on screen. It gets me excited just thinking about it! I could talk about if I want to try and have a baby before my insides dry up and I get too old, BUT I still would love to get married before I pop any kids out.......I mean, I made it this far without birthing any bastards! (pun intended) Would I be wrong for saying that I'm looking forward to the "anesthesia nap" more than anything else?? Think about it: Being under like that is sometimes the only chance you have in life of escaping the mental chatter. What about the fact that I won't be able to have sex in 6 weeks!? I'm sayin, just when I find my soul mate, who happens to be older than me but has the stamina of a 25 year old, I have to put the brakes on! Go figure! I guess it's all for the better in the long run BUT I forgot how high my sex drive was until I finally got to take it out of "park". (pun intended again) How about discussing the fact that the severity of my cramps will soon be a distant memory? Or that I'm worried about getting fat because I'll be bed ridden for a few weeks? I'm such the little energizer bunny and doing 14 flights of stairs, 5 or 6 times a night at work, makes it okay for me to eat french fries in my mind. If I'm not getting my "work" out on (full of puns today aren't I?) then I can't just put any greasy kind of thing in my mouth! *I'm not sure I like how that sounds* Either way, I guess the only way I'll be getting any action is if I DO put it in my mouth, huh? (salacious pun) *that was nasty for a girl to say* Good thing I'm not getting dental work too! LOL! I thank God for all of the loving people He has placed in my life. I do feel fortunate and wealthy, as far as friends go, and that means a lot when you go through these life changing situations. It pays to be popular sometimes. LOL! I'm not looking forward to being in pain OR needing to be dependent on others but I am looking forward to all of the mothers in my life making me dinner! I think that maybe I secretly am looking forward to being cared for, having my turn at needing assistance for a little while, letting others fuss over me to make sure I'm comfortable. Those kinds of things in trying times help you to know how loved you are and how blessed you are to have people that actually care about you in your life.

Too bad I have to work tonight or else I'd be drinking all I could until my 12am deadline! Now, I'm gonna have to cram as many shots as I can in the half hour window I'll have when I get home. Wish me luck people.......I'm going IN!