Downhill Battle!

I feel like I’m dying while awake! I’ve been utterly depressed for the last three weeks! I don’t even feel like writing but there’s nothing to do tonight at work and this was all I could think of to get my mind off the 6 hours I have left to be here before I can go back home and crawl into my bed. The only place I’ve wanted to be since the downward spiral began. I feel like I’m becoming a loner. I don’t want to talk to anybody because my energy is too negative and I don’t want to see anybody because I don’t like people right now. Everybody at work keeps asking me am I alright but when I tell them, “No!” they can’t fix it so why do they even ask????? I think they're just being nosey! I hate nosey!
I’m so lonely! I’m so lonely and I can’t change it! I just went out for a birthday party last week and saw all the SAME people that I used to see when I used to hang out back in the day! I feel like I need a change of scenery! I live in the guesthouse on my parent’s property because when my sister moved out, they needed the help financially and now I just want to bail out on them too! I’m tired of hearing about their problems! The SAME problems they complained about when I was a teenager and lived at home! My mom spends too much money, so says my father and my dad drinks too much beer, so says my mother and I don’t GIVE A SHIT about either! When I didn’t live close, I never had to hear it and now it seems like because I’m there, I’m the “go to” person when they’re having problems! Get a fuckin’ counselor!
I would like to move away somewhere far away from everything and focus only on my writing until it becomes what God has destined for it to be. Somewhere warm, somewhere to inspire inspiration. I want to get away from all these lames ass clubs with these lame ass niggas and start over fresh. But then that gets me to thinking about my age..... How do you start over fresh at 37? It sounds ridiculous and enlightening at the same time! Shall I just accept my life for what it has become OR do I make the moves that my insides are telling me to and see where it takes me? This is certainly some kind of mid-life crisis! This is certainly not me!

NEVER

I just don't get it, why me!!! If someone could give me a concrete answer then I would leave it alone!! Since that hasn't been given to me then I guess the search continues. The search for my "best friend" continues. Is love this hard, can't be. When we were younger we didn't think it was going to be like this. Why have some been able to complete their check list so early in life for i.e college, marriage, kids!! WTF, I thought we were all on the same ride. Did I just get off of it too early or were we ever on the bus in the first place.

I have been labeled as a "late bloomer" due to having a child so much later than most of my friends. I used to be the one without kids. Living the carefree life, coming and going as I pleased. Seeing whomever as well as doing whomever. Unfortunately one of my misc. dicks became permanent and to no avail life was formed. DAMN, I thought I was on top of everything, I guess the only thing I was on top of was him. How could this have happened, a child out of wedlock!!! Something I've voweled "never" to do. I guess that is why they say, "never say never"!!

KICK'N ROCKS

I defriended you because that's why you initially contacted me & after being lied to, I felt I needed to.

I wasn't angry about you seeing someone; we haven't been together, talking or anything for a while. Besides, w/all the disputes and conversations over our 4 yrs you've expressed on many occasions how unsatisfied, unfulfilled and how much you weren't receiving what you needed from me in our relationship. So, I'm not surprise that you moved on. Oh, and someone (you, to be specific) once told me that having sex and getting to know someone emotionally are two different things but, I guess that's only when it's you getting yours.

What I was angry about is that you chose to lie, to me. All the while I'm trying to better myself and being happy about rebuilding a friendship (possibly more) w/someone I love & care about, thinking we're allowing one another to go at a pace comfortable for both, you just were getting w/me when it was convenient for you and the maintaining of your new friendship. I never lied to you, never have & never will; I'm not a liar.

This leaves us at this point. Again, not being friends because you think you know everything (me telling my family stuff, which I haven't), you not being secure, trusting and honest w/your own feelings and telling the truth to allow me to be me and have all the information so, I can make a decision that's best for me and treat you the way that would be appropriate for the situation (not flirting w/someone else’s woman, etc) and you needing to have things be the way you expect in your way & on your time (me not calling you back in the time frame you felt it should've happend) so, instead of , Hey, I'm not sure if you're all right, or if you tried to reach me, etc. I get the … I KNOW why I haven't talked to you so; I'm going to say what I need to & have the last word email. For all the times you've told me recently you've changed & learned, I'm left sitting here today feeling, same shit, different day.

Then to top it all off, you want to justify your lies and in the same email if I can't be w/you I'll be w/this person; which I just don't understand. If you're HAPPY, then I'm really of no concern to you & again no reason for you to lie to me.

At this point, you need to do what's best for you, whatever that may be. But, clearly, we are two different types of people and I am not looking to be in a relationship w/someone who can't truthfully & openly express their feelings about me w/o knowing what I'm going to say because they're more concerned of themselves and nothing else, can't express to others their love & feelings for me openly or wants to keep prospects on the side; not never giving fully and doing their best to better their relationship w/me.

You've been very selfish and continue to be and that's just not me.

Do what you feel is right in your heart, have faith and all will come to you, that you deserve.

Wake Up Girl!

I got caught slippin today. Not by anyone out there, by the woman inside of me. She was screaming at me because I'd fallen under this notion that I wasn't worthy... of a look, of a love of my own, of my heart's desires or of the things and experiences I want out of life. She was cussin me out because I appeared to have gotten stuck in an unhappy place, feeling as if my young self were old and outdone, and sooo close to wrinkle and old age that my chances for the happiness I seek were completely gone. I'm so glad she showed up because I was straight believin' the hype, the gas of negativity was choking the shining spirit within.

If she didn't show up I probably would have died, not in the physical sense, but in the sense that leads to the physical sense. I'da probably let myself wallow in self destruction and left myself open to whatever disease to take care of the rest. But I'm not goin' there, the sunlight shone brightly on my face and the wind whipped up against my cheeks and I realized I AM WORTHY! I am beautiful, I am to receive, I am to experiene, I am to be the ME that is ME! I've got a renewed perspective now, one that allows me to see all that my AMAZING CREATOR has placed in me. Watch out!

Officer Liar Lair Pants on Fire!!

I have to tell you about this one...
After a boring day at the daily grind, I wanted a few things from the market. Needing to hurry home to relieve the sitter, I grabbed a few things and as always stopped to take the time to read a label. And as brothas often do, I was pleasantly complimented on my shoes. I saw a beautiful man standing beside me. His skin was perfect and his smile dazzling. I was thinking here we go, another suitor. I mean, I'm not married or even in a committed relationship, so let's rock out. He said he had seen me in the parking lot and had to come back inside to meet me. How cute, I thought. He asked for my number, I gave him my card and we said goodnight.
I had totally forgetten about him as he never called...ever.
Months later...I was picking up my young protege from school and saw this man who never called. Our eyes met as our cars were parked close. It was a summer day and his window was down, and I knew it was him. Dressed in officer blues this time, he smiled as he held his daughter (same age as mine). I said "hey you never called." He said "I'm sorry, I dont know you. Must have been someone else." This banter went on for a few minutes as I was flaberghasted that he would lie and say it was not him. I mean, if you weren't interested, just say so...right? If you had a change of heart, just make up some lame excuse that you couldnt call or couldn't pursue. This Mutha F-a had the nerve to say still "It wasn't me." Ok dude, whatever.
So it is almost two years later, our children are in the same class and this coward still has the nerve to deny this shit. And not that I have even uttered a single word to him. But the energy he gives off everytime we are dropping our children off or picking them up is like a little lost puppy looking for some affection and a meal. I just look right past him and through him as he stares at me.
And then to boot...this nigga is married! I mean the fucking nerve of yall negros. WTF?! So I see him driving with his daughter and woman one day. Lol...well since we are all in the same classroom, I start speaking to the wife once I see her ring to make him uneasy. And partly because I know women are not stupid and she most likely felt the vibe he was giving off. But don't bring your drama my way little boy! However, because I ignore him, I have protected his dirty little secret flirt.
I know I am prettier than her, have a smaller body than her, have real hair and most likely from a better family structure...and I dont want dude...but damn niggas aint shit no matter what.

So I'm going to keep looking right past the bullshit...and pray I dont miss something that was meant for me...

Open Letter

Damn I miss you! I couldn't sleep last night because just about every memory I have of us ran through my mind, like a movie of our life together playing before my eyes. I didn't even call them forth, but then that's how you unknowingly do me. Since the day that we mixed I haven't been able to not desire nor not consider your presence. That's exactly the problem and trust that that's a rough place to be. Nobody compares to you.



In the history of my loving I've never felt, never experienced a love that moved me like this and I thank you and curse you with the same breath. Bad or good you influenced me. Bitter and sweet you deeply affected the woman that I am. And here it is a year later and I'm still trying to find my way back from whatever it was and whoever we were. I guess it's because in you I saw the family that I wanted to co-create, thus the life (at least a piece of it) that I wanted to have. To date I still can't seem to let go of it. I haven't let go of the dreams, desires, hopes and wishes that I placed in you. And I'm sorry, regretting that I placed soo much, too much in your power.



Just wasn't meant... I guess. Even then I couldn't understand the differences because to me they didn't exist. Plain, bright and colorful as they were I flat out chose to not acknowledge them. Funny thing is TO this day I still don't believe that they exist, or at least matter. But then again... Yes I do. So far away from you I see the lack of match... Your years, your expectations Or lack there of, your values, your morals. Damn I'm confused, weary because from a completely different view you were everything and in fact a perfect match. A heart so kind that it went out of its way to respect the elderly and so obviously warm that there was not one child I saw come across you that didn't smile. You fed me, you shared, you condsidered me, you caressed me, lovingly you felt concern over my body, my self value, my spirit, and my sanity enough times for me to notice your authenticity.



I wish...........