Dying To Fit In

I have been taking mental inventory of myself after being involved with the stalker and surprisingly, at the end of it all, there appears to be a desire to be accepted. I have heard, all too often, that I know too many people. Men in particular. I don't get why being popular is looked upon with such difficulty when it comes to guys that I've dated or wanted to date. The comments that dictate this usually start with, "I remember you from back in the day." or "Everybody knows who you are!" and honestly, I'm more comfortable chalking it up to the person's insecurities. However, it has become increasingly annoying and more often than not, a detriment to my love life. Sometimes I feel like if I met people that had no idea who I was, who I used to date, the number of guys I know and how I used to live, that I could receive a better judgement for my character.
In one of my initial conversations with the stalker I remembered that he said, that he was not "put off" by all the people I know and that we were the type of people that drew people to us, so it was only natural that we were attracted to each other. And now that I think about it, that's one of the main things that captivated me about him! I have always had to deal with this reputation of being "the girl that everybody wanted but didn't have the balls to approach" and this has created a huge prejudice for me now that I'm older. This is gonna sound crazy BUT honestly, dating dope dealers was a lot easier than going out with the common man! Hustlers didn't give a shit who you used to date or who you knew, unless the person had more money than them, and even then it was only a thing of them making sure that they could maintain what you were used to. But I find that the common man is hard to please when it comes to their preconceived notions about me. I attempted being honest about my past with people in the present because I thought it would help me to gain a personal acceptance of my former life or allow me to take responsibility for the parts I played prior to now. But then I started to realize, me saying that most of my adult life was spent dating drug dealers didn't afford me anything but guys telling me that they could never keep up with those expectations. Sometimes I would even notice that the guy was clearly trying to be something he was not. Or there were also those times where, the guy in question would try and throw my past in my face by saying that I was used to being treated like shit so I couldn't see when something "good" was in front of me. Did the dickhead ever stop to think that it was BECAUSE of being treated like shit that I decided to date the common man in the first place? Ugh! Either way, all of the outcomes were bad so I decided that maybe being SO honest about my past probably wasn't as good an idea as I originally thought. And so, during this mental inventory, I have become conscious of one of the reasons I became involved with the stalker..........He was unmoved by my popularity. Oddly enough, I also thought about one of my first high school sweethearts today while I was on my way to work and how drastically different my life would have probably been if we had stayed together. And I believe that all of this is stemming from a place inside myself that is DYING TO BE ACCEPTED! Accepted, not only for who I once was, but also for who I am today due to who I used to be.

Why does my current situation make my mind selfishly wander to all these different places?
Do I appreciate the lessons I learned along the way? Sure I do!
Do I wish sometimes that I grew to be somebody different? Of course!
Will I ever fit in to a world that goes against everything the "streets" raised me to believe in? Who knows?????

".....Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past/Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have/Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back/And never moving forward so there'd never be a past/If I could change I would/Take back the pain I would/

Re-trace every wrong move that I made I would/If I could stand up and take the blame I would/If I could take all my shame to the grave I would/.......It's easier to run/Replacing this pain with something numb/It's so much easier to go/Then face all this pain here all alone."

Linkin Park