Until you walk a mile in my shoes...

I have a demon that has haunted me throughout my 20’s and 30’s. I’ve fought long and hard with this evil and there are battles that I’ve won and loss but the war…the war rages on!! What is this ugly three headed monster that hopped on my back in college and never let go? It’s my weight. In college and away from home, I gained a significant amount of weight. Due to my lackluster love life and indecisive career direction, I clearly didn’t give it much thought. In my final semester of school, I decided to fulfill my 1 credit of physical education with a step aerobics class. I never in my wildest dreams imagined all that I would gain from a simple 1 credit PE course. It became addictive. I went out and bought my own step with video included. Even when I wasn’t in class I was stepping away in my small one bedroom apartment. It felt good. Close to the end of the semester, I noticed that people I knew would walk by me in the hallways and not speak. I was baffled. What the hell was wrong?

I was determined to get to the bottom of this cold shoulder movement. The next person that walked passed and didn’t speak, I immediately did an about face, caught up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around his wrinkled brow and shocked expression was even more troubling. “Why didn’t you speak when you just walked by me?” I inquired. In a very matter of fact tone he replied, “I didn’t recognize you. You look different.” That’s when it hit me like a wet towel smacking me on my bare ass. I was exceptionally smaller in size. I had lost over 40 lbs. It was absolutely amazing. In a matter of 3 months I went from a size 14-16 to a size 6!! I returned to my hometown with more sass and confidence than I ever had in college. I was back and had the body to prove it. I even had a new swagger to my step and loved every minute of my new found sunshine.

My sunny blue skies begin to turn cloudy and gray. The years that followed were not so kind to me mentally and physically. Thankfully, I never quite resurfaced as the size 14-16 I sported in college. However, it was a slow, steady progression back to a size 12. No longer was I happy in my skin or my jeans. Once I lost the swagger, I quickly jumped back into my fitness regime. The heart break of several bad relationships helped to melt the first 8 lbs or so but my dedication to myself aided in the reduction of the remainder of the pounds that needed to be shed. I knew then that my weight was a demon that I had to fight with physical activity. I gradually reduced to a size 10 and instantly felt more comfortable in my own skin. But I was nowhere near my fighting weight. I declared a battle won, because I never went back to the tombs of Lane Bryant or the like. Yet I was still lacking the spring in my step I once claimed.

I proclaimed my self esteem would continue to rise as I continued to lose. My hopes and dreams for a soul mate would come to fruition if I could just conquer this demon and boost my self confidence. I read a Victoria Beckham interview in which she said, “Confidence is sexy.” She is absolutely correct. I needed to bring my sexy back in the worst way. I was terribly frightened by my self- consciousness. It tugged at me mentally and affected the way I socialized with the opposite sex. At this point, I was in my thirties and single. I had to defeat this demon before it consumed me and stole my opportunity for a relationship. Although it is cliché, I must say in order to be happy with someone, you have to be happy with yourself.

My happiness was contingent on my weight loss struggle. I had passed age 35 and could no longer carry this demon with me for the rest of my life. As you age, it is significantly harder to shed those unwelcomed pounds. I needed to enlist drastic measures as an ally in my fight. I decided to consult a well known, highly recommended diet doctor and get some weight loss pills. In the first two weeks of this new battle, I lost 10 lbs. Needless to say, I was super pumped and back on the road to yet another victory. Secretly praying it would be the final battle and ultimate triumph over my arch enemy. I hit the gym hard, followed the prescribed diet to the letter and never strayed from my path. Yet, nearly four months later I had only lost 25 lbs. I was disheartened. Why couldn’t I lose this damn weight? I knew I was not the only single black female carrying around a huge demon. It was an all too familiar topic of discussion.

During a recent discussion, I became enraged with the opinions of a woman who was naturally a super slender size 1. She was talking about her job at a health insurance agency and how she had to determine the reason for an enormous surge in one of her client’s health insurance costs. She explained that the company had allowed their employees to get gastric bypass surgery through their insurance plan. She became very upset as she continued to explain her disbelief in the amount of women that took such actions to lose weight. “They need to just go to the gym and work it the hell out.” she exclaimed. How dare she accuse my fellow brethren and me of just pure laziness? The audacity of her statement infuriated me. She had no idea of my demon or my great effort. Nor the strength and will it takes to continuously fight the small battles in hopes of winning the ultimate conquest…the war! To her and all of those like her I would like to say… "The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that fits all cases." –Jung