To See or Not To See

Running my feet through the sand, which acted as a natural exfoliant, I could feel it taking away all the old dead cells. Oddly enough, it felt like it also removed all the old from my life, bringing forth the new. I asked myself this question: Which weigh heavier, watching lovers and having no lover OR watching lovers and missing your lover? My personal answer seemed obvious after little thought. When you have no lover, you can be at a point of numbness and so completely jaded with life that you become totally devoid of emotion. Essentially, having no feeling was easy for me to deal with, whereas missing my lover lie heavier in my heart than not giving a shit! I allowed the sun to beat down on my body like a masochist, feeling like I was in the worst fight I've had in my life in a long time, and wondered why I can find pleasure in such pain? It caused me to remember the bite marks I had all over my entire body given to me by my lover before I left and they were painfully pleasurable as well. Is that just a part of the growing process or a rule of the hard headed? So many thoughts filled my head while in this place with no concept for time and simultaneously I had not a care in the world. Catch 22?
No cell phone, no diet, no rules, no limits, no Twitter, no Facebook, no text messages, no e-mails, no work, no end to the sea, no longer in Kansas! But you know what? Even without having to deal with the regular routines of my everyday life, it is times and experiences like those that make enduring all that crap worthwhile! I always liked to consider my vacations equivalent to hitting the "reset" button of life. I went back to some of my earlier loves: sun, sand and ocean. How is it that these sunny skies seemed to make everything better? The music from my iPod made beautiful background noise in combination with the crashing waves, and the environment itself was inspiring, if you looked at it with creative glasses. Becoming weightless in the water, floating about.....no wonder they call it paradise. Surrounded by multi-cultural beauty while having the ability to change myself so many shades and hues of dark caramel colors made me feel grown up indeed, in experience more than anything, but it also gave me a more mature appreciation of life. The natural elements of blue water, fruits and vegetables allowed me to see all the things that God has made for us so we can live off the land directly if need be. And you know what else was beautiful? Writing with a pen on a little pad of paper! To be totally honest that has always been my favorite way to write. It feels raw to me like a naked canvas. A quintessential, brand new, different, pleasingly aesthetic change in my environment brought out undeniable inspiration for this writer at heart. Watching the all of the families with babies made me wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own? A husband I adore and a baby that I owe a huge favor to? It is said that any woman that has miscarried or aborted children during her lifetime, will be reunited with those children in heaven. Now, at my age, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to meet a child of mine before my clock stops ticking OR will I live a life long regret of all those selfish actions I made in my past? However, I know that God can change your life in the blink of an eye and the Lord has already started to change mine in the last two months alone, so anything is possible. I know firsthand that if you have the faith, He will provide for you. Although, it wasn't just the babies that got my wheels turning but also the much older couples on vacation. Will I find my soul mate? The love of my life? Or have I just met him a few months ago? Have I found my someone that will love me until I'm old and grey? One of my biggest fears lately had been growing old alone and now, in my new found freedom, I know anything can drop out of the sky and land right in your lap. I feel like I'm living proof of that today! I thought it funny how far a pretty face can get you. I also found myself missing my grandmother because she was the person who took me on my first Caribbean vacation. The fruit plate I ate every morning reminded me of when me and my baby sister were little. She loved all kinds of fruit while we were growing up and I hated everything but peaches. As I started to come into my own, my individual sense of self as an adult, I began to try all kinds of foods because I realized that there's a whole world out here and I ought to attempt to familiarize myself with it while I have the chance. My new favorite thing: Guava Jelly!
To see how blessed I am when in a place that works with much less than I can imagine OR not to see life as I know it because I am now aware of what change can really bring?