When I opened my eyes and reached out my arms to touch you, you weren't there. Was I dreaming? Are you real? The love that I felt, did I really feel? I am not sure because you are not here. I want to believe that this was not a fleeting moment. This was not a one shot deal but you're gone. How does it feel, you ask?...Cold. The left side of the bed is empty and cold. I'm not sure if I would feel better if you left a Benjamin on the night stand. I guess, at least, I would have a memento of your presence and I would know my night wasn't a dream. I would know that you came...in more ways than one. Right now I am not sure of anything because you're not here. It all feels like a distant memory. Were you really making love to me?
You left quietly in the wee hours of the morning to ensure that I could only protest silently....Please don't go. Usually, I'm strong in these instances but my strength oozed out of my vaginal walls when you penetrated me. I'm having a momentary lapse of weakness and I don't like it at all. I feel tainted, unwanted and ultimately alone. Yet you were just here, loving me, passionately. Is my mind playing tricks on me and is my heart sure to follow my mind's lead? I did not sign up to be the "other" woman but ironically I feel that I am not the 1st choice. After a night of passionate, intense, yet sensual love making....Why are you not here in the morning? I truly thought you admired me but the fact that my bed is half full is proof that you had some other place to be that was more important than me. I now doubt the words you uttered in the heat of the moment. Do you really love me or is it these sugar walls you endear? I can't even ask you because you're not here.
I've waited so long for love or at least what I thought love could be. Needless to say, with these disappearing acts, love continues to allude me. I cannot give you my all when I'm not sure how you really feel. All I know for sure is that in the morning, you're not here. You may not realize the significance of you leaving so quietly as to not disturb my slumber. Although, I am use to sleeping alone, at this particular break of dawn, I feel lonely. You touched me deeply and then crept away, I didn't have a chance to ask you to stay. If I am the woman you desire then why is it so easy for you to leave right after you've come? Huh? I guess you could answer me if you were here.
I fear this is a pattern of sorts and I refuse to collaborate on setting this precedence. I am better than that, I am so much more. I will be prepared for the next time I open my door and let you in for a night of sin. I'll make sure there is barbed wire around my mind, body and soul, so I won't be caught off guard again. When that night comes and you decide you want to stay, because now you're entangled....stuck in these sugar walls. You'll look at me pitifully, like a deer caught in the headlights. I'll just smile while I casually let you know that you must go and I'll call you in the morning!!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
"Ideal Circumstances"
You know, we're all fools if we think that the ideal circumstance is "ideal"! How would we learn anything if life were perfect?? Without trials how would we become wise through learning, without bad days at work how would we want to aspire to living our dreams, without broken hearts how would we learn how to love, without financial difficulty how would we appreciate and use our money more wisely, without a lover's quarrel how would we grow stronger as a pair, without coming in contact with unmotivated, unambitious people how would we realize how dedicated we are to what we're doing, without fighting our demons how would we grow to the point of becoming the angels we all are?
I guess what I'm trying to say is: If you're waiting for the "ideal circumstance"......*sing along* "Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go!"
The sun comes out tomorrow:)
I guess what I'm trying to say is: If you're waiting for the "ideal circumstance"......*sing along* "Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go!"
The sun comes out tomorrow:)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Under The Knife
So comes the time when the caregiver becomes the patient. Is your stay easier to deal with because you kind of know the ins and outs of hospitalization? Probably not. I'm feeling a little anxious about having surgery. This will be my most serious surgery to date but absolutely not my first brush with a hospital stay.I broke two bones in my back and knocked the four front teeth out the bottom of my mouth, all by the age of 24, so I feel like there's NOTHING I can't handle!
I feel like this blog entry SUCKS!
WTF am I even talking about? I'd much rather talk about love and how it has changed me! How happy I am with my better half and how I want my future to include him in every single aspect of it, or I could talk about my new movie that I'm going to start writing! I really feel like the area of which I plan to enter for this screenplay is an untapped market. Nobody has ever dared to go to this gritty, drama filled place on screen. It gets me excited just thinking about it! I could talk about if I want to try and have a baby before my insides dry up and I get too old, BUT I still would love to get married before I pop any kids out.......I mean, I made it this far without birthing any bastards! (pun intended) Would I be wrong for saying that I'm looking forward to the "anesthesia nap" more than anything else?? Think about it: Being under like that is sometimes the only chance you have in life of escaping the mental chatter. What about the fact that I won't be able to have sex in 6 weeks!? I'm sayin, just when I find my soul mate, who happens to be older than me but has the stamina of a 25 year old, I have to put the brakes on! Go figure! I guess it's all for the better in the long run BUT I forgot how high my sex drive was until I finally got to take it out of "park". (pun intended again) How about discussing the fact that the severity of my cramps will soon be a distant memory? Or that I'm worried about getting fat because I'll be bed ridden for a few weeks? I'm such the little energizer bunny and doing 14 flights of stairs, 5 or 6 times a night at work, makes it okay for me to eat french fries in my mind. If I'm not getting my "work" out on (full of puns today aren't I?) then I can't just put any greasy kind of thing in my mouth! *I'm not sure I like how that sounds* Either way, I guess the only way I'll be getting any action is if I DO put it in my mouth, huh? (salacious pun) *that was nasty for a girl to say* Good thing I'm not getting dental work too! LOL! I thank God for all of the loving people He has placed in my life. I do feel fortunate and wealthy, as far as friends go, and that means a lot when you go through these life changing situations. It pays to be popular sometimes. LOL! I'm not looking forward to being in pain OR needing to be dependent on others but I am looking forward to all of the mothers in my life making me dinner! I think that maybe I secretly am looking forward to being cared for, having my turn at needing assistance for a little while, letting others fuss over me to make sure I'm comfortable. Those kinds of things in trying times help you to know how loved you are and how blessed you are to have people that actually care about you in your life.
Too bad I have to work tonight or else I'd be drinking all I could until my 12am deadline! Now, I'm gonna have to cram as many shots as I can in the half hour window I'll have when I get home. Wish me luck people.......I'm going IN!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
To See or Not To See
Running my feet through the sand, which acted as a natural exfoliant, I could feel it taking away all the old dead cells. Oddly enough, it felt like it also removed all the old from my life, bringing forth the new. I asked myself this question: Which weigh heavier, watching lovers and having no lover OR watching lovers and missing your lover? My personal answer seemed obvious after little thought. When you have no lover, you can be at a point of numbness and so completely jaded with life that you become totally devoid of emotion. Essentially, having no feeling was easy for me to deal with, whereas missing my lover lie heavier in my heart than not giving a shit! I allowed the sun to beat down on my body like a masochist, feeling like I was in the worst fight I've had in my life in a long time, and wondered why I can find pleasure in such pain? It caused me to remember the bite marks I had all over my entire body given to me by my lover before I left and they were painfully pleasurable as well. Is that just a part of the growing process or a rule of the hard headed? So many thoughts filled my head while in this place with no concept for time and simultaneously I had not a care in the world. Catch 22?
No cell phone, no diet, no rules, no limits, no Twitter, no Facebook, no text messages, no e-mails, no work, no end to the sea, no longer in Kansas! But you know what? Even without having to deal with the regular routines of my everyday life, it is times and experiences like those that make enduring all that crap worthwhile! I always liked to consider my vacations equivalent to hitting the "reset" button of life. I went back to some of my earlier loves: sun, sand and ocean. How is it that these sunny skies seemed to make everything better? The music from my iPod made beautiful background noise in combination with the crashing waves, and the environment itself was inspiring, if you looked at it with creative glasses. Becoming weightless in the water, floating about.....no wonder they call it paradise. Surrounded by multi-cultural beauty while having the ability to change myself so many shades and hues of dark caramel colors made me feel grown up indeed, in experience more than anything, but it also gave me a more mature appreciation of life. The natural elements of blue water, fruits and vegetables allowed me to see all the things that God has made for us so we can live off the land directly if need be. And you know what else was beautiful? Writing with a pen on a little pad of paper! To be totally honest that has always been my favorite way to write. It feels raw to me like a naked canvas. A quintessential, brand new, different, pleasingly aesthetic change in my environment brought out undeniable inspiration for this writer at heart. Watching the all of the families with babies made me wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own? A husband I adore and a baby that I owe a huge favor to? It is said that any woman that has miscarried or aborted children during her lifetime, will be reunited with those children in heaven. Now, at my age, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to meet a child of mine before my clock stops ticking OR will I live a life long regret of all those selfish actions I made in my past? However, I know that God can change your life in the blink of an eye and the Lord has already started to change mine in the last two months alone, so anything is possible. I know firsthand that if you have the faith, He will provide for you. Although, it wasn't just the babies that got my wheels turning but also the much older couples on vacation. Will I find my soul mate? The love of my life? Or have I just met him a few months ago? Have I found my someone that will love me until I'm old and grey? One of my biggest fears lately had been growing old alone and now, in my new found freedom, I know anything can drop out of the sky and land right in your lap. I feel like I'm living proof of that today! I thought it funny how far a pretty face can get you. I also found myself missing my grandmother because she was the person who took me on my first Caribbean vacation. The fruit plate I ate every morning reminded me of when me and my baby sister were little. She loved all kinds of fruit while we were growing up and I hated everything but peaches. As I started to come into my own, my individual sense of self as an adult, I began to try all kinds of foods because I realized that there's a whole world out here and I ought to attempt to familiarize myself with it while I have the chance. My new favorite thing: Guava Jelly!
To see how blessed I am when in a place that works with much less than I can imagine OR not to see life as I know it because I am now aware of what change can really bring?
No cell phone, no diet, no rules, no limits, no Twitter, no Facebook, no text messages, no e-mails, no work, no end to the sea, no longer in Kansas! But you know what? Even without having to deal with the regular routines of my everyday life, it is times and experiences like those that make enduring all that crap worthwhile! I always liked to consider my vacations equivalent to hitting the "reset" button of life. I went back to some of my earlier loves: sun, sand and ocean. How is it that these sunny skies seemed to make everything better? The music from my iPod made beautiful background noise in combination with the crashing waves, and the environment itself was inspiring, if you looked at it with creative glasses. Becoming weightless in the water, floating about.....no wonder they call it paradise. Surrounded by multi-cultural beauty while having the ability to change myself so many shades and hues of dark caramel colors made me feel grown up indeed, in experience more than anything, but it also gave me a more mature appreciation of life. The natural elements of blue water, fruits and vegetables allowed me to see all the things that God has made for us so we can live off the land directly if need be. And you know what else was beautiful? Writing with a pen on a little pad of paper! To be totally honest that has always been my favorite way to write. It feels raw to me like a naked canvas. A quintessential, brand new, different, pleasingly aesthetic change in my environment brought out undeniable inspiration for this writer at heart. Watching the all of the families with babies made me wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own? A husband I adore and a baby that I owe a huge favor to? It is said that any woman that has miscarried or aborted children during her lifetime, will be reunited with those children in heaven. Now, at my age, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to meet a child of mine before my clock stops ticking OR will I live a life long regret of all those selfish actions I made in my past? However, I know that God can change your life in the blink of an eye and the Lord has already started to change mine in the last two months alone, so anything is possible. I know firsthand that if you have the faith, He will provide for you. Although, it wasn't just the babies that got my wheels turning but also the much older couples on vacation. Will I find my soul mate? The love of my life? Or have I just met him a few months ago? Have I found my someone that will love me until I'm old and grey? One of my biggest fears lately had been growing old alone and now, in my new found freedom, I know anything can drop out of the sky and land right in your lap. I feel like I'm living proof of that today! I thought it funny how far a pretty face can get you. I also found myself missing my grandmother because she was the person who took me on my first Caribbean vacation. The fruit plate I ate every morning reminded me of when me and my baby sister were little. She loved all kinds of fruit while we were growing up and I hated everything but peaches. As I started to come into my own, my individual sense of self as an adult, I began to try all kinds of foods because I realized that there's a whole world out here and I ought to attempt to familiarize myself with it while I have the chance. My new favorite thing: Guava Jelly!
To see how blessed I am when in a place that works with much less than I can imagine OR not to see life as I know it because I am now aware of what change can really bring?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Forces of Good and Evil........
You ever have someone tell you something about yourself that was hard for you to comprehend? Not because it wasn't true but because you don't see yourself that way. This happening to me today has just somehow allowed for an outer body experience. I was actually able to take a step back and look at myself, not my inner self but my outward appearance. I've spent so many years working on the "inside" of me that I had completely forgotten about the way I can still be perceived by others. I had many years to build my reputation, one that I used to be proud of, that I wore like a badge of honor! Then the day came when I realized that this badge was preventing me from obtaining all the things I really wanted in life. So, I removed the badge, hung my jersey in the rafters, threw my sneakers over a telephone wire, and got completely naked in order to begin my journey in a new direction. Now that I have a full knowledge of self, can accept and take responsibility for who I used to be and am fully aware of what I want in life, I have finally gotten "GOOD" with me. It's my fault that I sometimes expect my changes to shine through and that's just because I know how much work I put into becoming a better person. But today I realized that most people will not be able to see what I see. Especially when it comes to those with preconceived notions of my past, but guess what.........the old reputation was equally as strong as the new one is, it just wasn't on a positive path, either way it made me "That Girl" that I am today! I was an important person in a lot of lives and I'm still important to the lives that surround me today. There's nothing bad about that and so, I own it. If there are those that still want to give me the "respect" of the badge, why not let them? And from all this, the "good" me and the "evil" me were able to join forces today! I feel pleasingly dangerous now because I know who I am! Do You?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
What's the Point, Really?
I'm just venting but, I will never understand why people can't just embrace their own actions and accept responsibilty of themselves; instead of focusing and turning situations towards others.
Short story: We're in the midst of rebuilding a relationship (an intimate one w/o yet being physically intimate)you say you will call/call back/talk to me later etc. More times than not (like 90 something %) you don't; to which I call anyway, because, I know life does happen and things do come up; distracting us or whatever. Feeling like this is NOT the way I want to communicate in a relationship, not being able to take you for your word or not speaking with you for whole days & such I fall back the next time. The next ime comes (of you NOT being of your word) and I don't call. I don't call from a Friday until Wednesday; after receiving multiple texts (Tuesday night & Wednesday morning) and two calls Wednesday morning w/voicemails. YES, I'm taking my time to respond, I have a life too and my life is just as important as anyone elses. Now, it's "What's up you alright, I haven't heard from you since Friday?" Umm, yeah, because you were suppose to get with me when you got time which I guess you're just getting now. Well, you get the jist of that but, here's the thing that really PISSES me off.... "Oh, I thought we were suppose to be 'friends'?!?!?! ... My friends don't come to me with oh, you were suppose to call me...." How about, 1st that's a lie because we've had discussions about it. How about, in building any relationship but especially an intimate one, you're supposed to be building trust; so you would want to be a person of your word. How about, my 'FRIENDS' would've of known me well enough to KNOW that this isn'y my style & would've called me ASAP just to make sure I was ALRIGHT, for real; like I had been calling you?!?!?!?!?!? Maybe, you should invest more time and energy with these types of 'friends'?!?!?!? Then maybe you could speak on 'friendship' and it mean something to me.
You know they say, ACTIONS speak louder than words. So, when you say you're going to do something and don't you cannot come to a person with an attidtude as if they've treated you unfairly and are at fault for making you feel uptight/upset or WeverTF you're feeling negatively.
What's the point, really?
SB... Never make anyone a priority who has you as an option!
Short story: We're in the midst of rebuilding a relationship (an intimate one w/o yet being physically intimate)you say you will call/call back/talk to me later etc. More times than not (like 90 something %) you don't; to which I call anyway, because, I know life does happen and things do come up; distracting us or whatever. Feeling like this is NOT the way I want to communicate in a relationship, not being able to take you for your word or not speaking with you for whole days & such I fall back the next time. The next ime comes (of you NOT being of your word) and I don't call. I don't call from a Friday until Wednesday; after receiving multiple texts (Tuesday night & Wednesday morning) and two calls Wednesday morning w/voicemails. YES, I'm taking my time to respond, I have a life too and my life is just as important as anyone elses. Now, it's "What's up you alright, I haven't heard from you since Friday?" Umm, yeah, because you were suppose to get with me when you got time which I guess you're just getting now. Well, you get the jist of that but, here's the thing that really PISSES me off.... "Oh, I thought we were suppose to be 'friends'?!?!?! ... My friends don't come to me with oh, you were suppose to call me...." How about, 1st that's a lie because we've had discussions about it. How about, in building any relationship but especially an intimate one, you're supposed to be building trust; so you would want to be a person of your word. How about, my 'FRIENDS' would've of known me well enough to KNOW that this isn'y my style & would've called me ASAP just to make sure I was ALRIGHT, for real; like I had been calling you?!?!?!?!?!? Maybe, you should invest more time and energy with these types of 'friends'?!?!?!? Then maybe you could speak on 'friendship' and it mean something to me.
You know they say, ACTIONS speak louder than words. So, when you say you're going to do something and don't you cannot come to a person with an attidtude as if they've treated you unfairly and are at fault for making you feel uptight/upset or WeverTF you're feeling negatively.
What's the point, really?
SB... Never make anyone a priority who has you as an option!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Dying To Fit In
I have been taking mental inventory of myself after being involved with the stalker and surprisingly, at the end of it all, there appears to be a desire to be accepted. I have heard, all too often, that I know too many people. Men in particular. I don't get why being popular is looked upon with such difficulty when it comes to guys that I've dated or wanted to date. The comments that dictate this usually start with, "I remember you from back in the day." or "Everybody knows who you are!" and honestly, I'm more comfortable chalking it up to the person's insecurities. However, it has become increasingly annoying and more often than not, a detriment to my love life. Sometimes I feel like if I met people that had no idea who I was, who I used to date, the number of guys I know and how I used to live, that I could receive a better judgement for my character.
In one of my initial conversations with the stalker I remembered that he said, that he was not "put off" by all the people I know and that we were the type of people that drew people to us, so it was only natural that we were attracted to each other. And now that I think about it, that's one of the main things that captivated me about him! I have always had to deal with this reputation of being "the girl that everybody wanted but didn't have the balls to approach" and this has created a huge prejudice for me now that I'm older. This is gonna sound crazy BUT honestly, dating dope dealers was a lot easier than going out with the common man! Hustlers didn't give a shit who you used to date or who you knew, unless the person had more money than them, and even then it was only a thing of them making sure that they could maintain what you were used to. But I find that the common man is hard to please when it comes to their preconceived notions about me. I attempted being honest about my past with people in the present because I thought it would help me to gain a personal acceptance of my former life or allow me to take responsibility for the parts I played prior to now. But then I started to realize, me saying that most of my adult life was spent dating drug dealers didn't afford me anything but guys telling me that they could never keep up with those expectations. Sometimes I would even notice that the guy was clearly trying to be something he was not. Or there were also those times where, the guy in question would try and throw my past in my face by saying that I was used to being treated like shit so I couldn't see when something "good" was in front of me. Did the dickhead ever stop to think that it was BECAUSE of being treated like shit that I decided to date the common man in the first place? Ugh! Either way, all of the outcomes were bad so I decided that maybe being SO honest about my past probably wasn't as good an idea as I originally thought. And so, during this mental inventory, I have become conscious of one of the reasons I became involved with the stalker..........He was unmoved by my popularity. Oddly enough, I also thought about one of my first high school sweethearts today while I was on my way to work and how drastically different my life would have probably been if we had stayed together. And I believe that all of this is stemming from a place inside myself that is DYING TO BE ACCEPTED! Accepted, not only for who I once was, but also for who I am today due to who I used to be.
Why does my current situation make my mind selfishly wander to all these different places?
Do I appreciate the lessons I learned along the way? Sure I do!
Do I wish sometimes that I grew to be somebody different? Of course!
Will I ever fit in to a world that goes against everything the "streets" raised me to believe in? Who knows?????
In one of my initial conversations with the stalker I remembered that he said, that he was not "put off" by all the people I know and that we were the type of people that drew people to us, so it was only natural that we were attracted to each other. And now that I think about it, that's one of the main things that captivated me about him! I have always had to deal with this reputation of being "the girl that everybody wanted but didn't have the balls to approach" and this has created a huge prejudice for me now that I'm older. This is gonna sound crazy BUT honestly, dating dope dealers was a lot easier than going out with the common man! Hustlers didn't give a shit who you used to date or who you knew, unless the person had more money than them, and even then it was only a thing of them making sure that they could maintain what you were used to. But I find that the common man is hard to please when it comes to their preconceived notions about me. I attempted being honest about my past with people in the present because I thought it would help me to gain a personal acceptance of my former life or allow me to take responsibility for the parts I played prior to now. But then I started to realize, me saying that most of my adult life was spent dating drug dealers didn't afford me anything but guys telling me that they could never keep up with those expectations. Sometimes I would even notice that the guy was clearly trying to be something he was not. Or there were also those times where, the guy in question would try and throw my past in my face by saying that I was used to being treated like shit so I couldn't see when something "good" was in front of me. Did the dickhead ever stop to think that it was BECAUSE of being treated like shit that I decided to date the common man in the first place? Ugh! Either way, all of the outcomes were bad so I decided that maybe being SO honest about my past probably wasn't as good an idea as I originally thought. And so, during this mental inventory, I have become conscious of one of the reasons I became involved with the stalker..........He was unmoved by my popularity. Oddly enough, I also thought about one of my first high school sweethearts today while I was on my way to work and how drastically different my life would have probably been if we had stayed together. And I believe that all of this is stemming from a place inside myself that is DYING TO BE ACCEPTED! Accepted, not only for who I once was, but also for who I am today due to who I used to be.
Why does my current situation make my mind selfishly wander to all these different places?
Do I appreciate the lessons I learned along the way? Sure I do!
Do I wish sometimes that I grew to be somebody different? Of course!
Will I ever fit in to a world that goes against everything the "streets" raised me to believe in? Who knows?????
".....Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past/Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have/Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back/And never moving forward so there'd never be a past/If I could change I would/Take back the pain I would/
Re-trace every wrong move that I made I would/If I could stand up and take the blame I would/If I could take all my shame to the grave I would/.......It's easier to run/Replacing this pain with something numb/It's so much easier to go/Then face all this pain here all alone."
Linkin Park
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