So what do you do when you know its wrong but you want it anyway? Every inch of your body aches for it when it is gone but you know you should not want it. it is the wrong one...or the right one, but something is fucked up about the circumstances. And you know this deep in your soul. Deep in your inner most feelings and actions it shows through that you are in the wrong situation…but you crave anyway. What do you do then? Can someone tell me because if I am tested this way one more time I think I will give up? But that risk taker spirit that my chemical make-up has so much of, makes me only verbalize giving up…cause I never give up. I am not a quitter as I sit here and laugh at what I’ve just written. I fix things…some Neosporin and a Band-Aid to cover up the argument or indiscretion. But I know what to do in the first place, but I get sidetracked with a smile and some dick at times. Yes, I already know what to do, but I can’t help but wonder if it was me in some way that messed this up. What did I do wrong? What was done right? Did I take care of us? Do I sabotage my relationships in some way? Do I begin to wonder about all of the past so that I may correct my present? Did I bring my past hurt and in turn cause a foundation of hurt to be built? Well I was optimistic and hopeful of the fantasy. I am still prayerful for true love to lavish my life. And what I have is reality…stubborn yet loving me wanting and seemingly unwanted. Things will be different in time. I will be more careful to care for my love. I will not be defeated and I will prevail because my faith is strong. I usually get what I want…to be loved (sigh)…but I must be patient. Tonight I sleep alone again…
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So many questions right?!
ReplyDeleteLet patience have it's perfect work.
ReplyDeleteI know your pain Big. I caused it. And just maybe a few moments of it belonged to you as well. But what does that matter when you know that the end result is heavenly?
I mean...
No matter how bad Independence Day was...you KNEW in your heart that Will would win the war against between the worlds. And so you had faith...despite the destruction around you...the CORE existence was still there...the resolve to win.
We have the ability to WIN. In our communities...in our lives, we often choose not to fight, simply because we can. It's easier to walk away. Easier to meet another that we think makes us feel better...more accomplished. More focused. But our hearts still long for what we know is designed for us.
And whats designed for me...is you.
I sat at the Mayor's luncheon today around a sea of people who sought to advance my position. But all I could think about...was the young lady in the lobby, who left the restaurant she was working in, to go meet her beau at the bar and kiss him softly while wrapped in an embrace. And I imagined us... your kisses...your embrace. And I know that nothing else matters to me than to wake up and know that you are on my team....I am in your heart as you are in mine.
You said in your letter...you will be more careful to care for your love.
No worries.
Let ME carefully care for you.
It's my job. My destiny. My pleasure.
Let's take the time to fix this...and show the world that a young black couple can overcome the missteps of life...and secure theri purpose and define destiny.
And while bated breath finds me praying for your return...
I prepare with every moment, ensuring that this house will be home.
I love you with my whole existence.
And that will never change.