Still Alone?!

“Girl, you will find that special one. Just when you least expect it. Have faith!” I can hear my girlfriends’ pep talks in the back of mind anytime I get disheartened. Although I appreciate their encouragement, the fact of the matter is that I am going to be 37 in a few months and as always I am still alone.

In the past 3 years, my dating experiences can only be described as laughable. I’ve been out on a date with a guy whose teeth were so tiny you couldn’t see them even when he smiled. I got a call from a guy’s brother asking me for money to get him out of jail and we’ve never even gone out. When I would not donate to the cause, he firmly stated that he was going to tell his brother to erase my number. Um, thanks!! I am still getting jailhouse letters from my ex-fiancé who is holding on to the delusion that I am saving myself for him. To him, I say, keep hope alive my brother! One man that I was really smitten with claimed that he was truly flattered that someone as beautiful as I would be so interested in him, but still shunned my advances. To add insult to injury, the one that chased me for two years, finally got a chance and within the next 90 days was engaged to someone else…of course. I try not to look over the fence and dream about how green my neighbor’s grass is but it is hard. Maybe I am the one who is always single and never has any kids. I pray to God that I am not, but as each year passes I get more and more discouraged.

I have a fighting spirit, so I decided to try my luck with on line dating. On E-Harmony, my compatibility matches were balding with hair, at least 10 years older than me and on the other side of the country. My never say die attitude still refused to let me give up hope, so now I am trying Match.com. I should’ve continued to look at my matches for free, because in 4 days I got 39 views, 2 winks and not one email. Not to mention out of the 39 views 37 of them were old white men. Ugh!! On a brighter note, the 2 winks were from black men but nobody I would think about dating even on a dare. I swallowed my pride and ventured to search for a Romeo in Match.com’s massive portfolio of single black men ranging in age from 33 to 40. All the men I encountered that were somewhat attractive ended their search range at age 35. Huh? WTF? Do women over 35 even stand a chance dating someone that is remotely close to their age? What can a woman 35 do for you that a woman 36 cannot? I am befuddled.

I try not to ask, “What is wrong with me?” But there are times it slips out of my subconscious to the forefront of my mind. My reassurance comes from my male friends that proclaim I am such a great catch. I am “Wifey Material” whatever the hell that means. Needless to say, I have not found myself in a net being pulled out of this ocean of fish or jumping over a broom with my groom. My other single girlfriends, well some of them, seem to meet men and often times receive date requests, phone calls or even the not so personal text. I would settle for a smoke signal at this juncture. I recognize the cliché’s, “Nothing happens overnight”, “All that glitters is not gold” and the most important “A man cannot make you happy just more fulfilled.” Yet, there are moments when none of these quotes give me comfort. The fact is that I hurt.

Don’t get me wrong, I am secure enough to be by myself on a regular basis and not be lonely. But there are those days, weeks and sometimes months that the loneliness creeps into my heart and makes it ache ever so slightly. The depressed feeling is overwhelming, like there is a lump in your throat and you cannot cough it up or swallow it if you tried. Even worse, the fear that nestles in the pit of your stomach as a constant reminder that there is a race against the clock and you are running out of time fast. A few years ago, my girlfriend firmly announced that she was not like me. More specifically, she could not be alone and had to have someone. Well in case you didn’t get the damn memo. This is not I am Legend. We are not in this world by ourselves. I want companionship just like the next person. I try to not spend every waking moment stressing about being alone. Furthermore, I will not settle for just any old dick to satisfy my craving for love and affection. On the other hand, I am running out of options and I am scared.