Three Topics!

You know what? After the day I had yesterday I’m not even sure where to begin????????
The 1st Topic:
Long story short, is a guy from my past that was locked up, just came home and has yet to call me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not psycho and it’s not as if I am having expectations without substance but me and this guy have been writing each other since he’s been in jail and he was locked up for about 6 years. Our last couple of written conversations was regarding his feelings of his inability to be himself in my presence and how he felt it better that we just remain friends and make no attempts at rekindling any flames. Once I expressed in return correspondence that I was uninterested in being a part of another failed “home from jail” relationship and that us being friends wouldn’t mean we would have daily contact because I couldn’t spend a lot of time with him and also be available for my knight in shining armor to come along…….Well, let’s just say that he wasn’t really receptive of that. Which actually, in and of itself, is confusing. If you’re too scared to be you around me and you only want friendship then why feel some kind of way about me not wanting to be involved in the first place? So, of course he attempted to take the mature approach and say that he only wants me to be happy even if its not with him, he’ll always be there for me AND he will never forget how I helped him through his bid by writing him all these years. Yet, when I hear from the streets that this dude finally touched down, I am still left wondering…….Why has he not called me yet? And I feel unappreciated because he hasn’t but do I even have the room to feel anything????
The 2nd Topic:
There is no easy way to put this but yesterday I found out that the young guy that I have been seeing from time to time most recently USED TO DATE MY SISTER!!!!!! WTF? My sister, now married and expecting her 3rd baby told me of their past when she saw a car parked in my driveway and asked who it was! I expected her to know him because we all grew up together on the same street when we were little but how in the world did I not remember that she dated him in the 80’s??? She explained that I was dating a well known rapper back then and I can only assume that because her and her dates had no place in my generation that I just overlooked it or forgot. Then I’m also thinking……how many drugs did I do back in the day to forget this??? She told me that they never slept together and after that statement, I didn’t even have the balls to tell her that I slept with him recently! UGH! I almost want to throw up! Was it too many drugs from my past that allowed me to forget OR is the dating pool just that small that my younger siblings leftovers are now an option???????? If I wasn’t already turned off from the fact that he’s emotionally immature and he doesn’t eat pussy, the thing with my sister DEFINITELY sealed the deal of never talking to him again! Pardon me while I vomit………….
Okay……I’m back!
The 3rd Topic:
Now, topic number 3 comes in the form of a guy I call Crazo. Believe me when I tell you that he earned that nickname with flying colors but why is it that the psycho ones are always the best ones in bed? Well, Crazo has been texting me and trying desperately to put things back together between us. But keep in mind; this is a relationship I ended over 4 years ago. I haven’t slept with him, called him or anything of the sort in 4 years. He has always initiated any contact we’ve had since then and I may have shared a dinner table with him, a handful of times in the last 4 years but he just won’t quit! Our meetings during those times had always been innocuous from my end and injurious from his, always ending with him trying to sleep with me! I was celibate for about 3 and ½ years before impetuously giving it up to the young dude, I just spoke of, over the summer because I was under tremendous stress from some of life’s events and I was acting out. But, now because I’ve been let down by another jail house dropout and found out that I have recycled someone from my siblings past, I would love nothing more than to go for one last romp in the hay with Crazo since today I am feeling crazy myself!
Could I go deep undercover for the purpose of blog material and just see what happens? Do I continue to ignore his advances when I really ain’t got shit else goin’ on right now since youngin’ just got the boot? Do I justify it all in my mind and try to make sense of why I should do it? OR do I keep this chapter of my life closed for good? Crazo can satisfy me sexually, he’s not afraid of the constant pursuit and he compliments me incessantly. Coming off of a guy that didn’t perform oral, never gave a compliment and thought pinching me was a way to show me that he liked me, to the insecure ex-con that doesn’t have the courage to even call, to this thought of fucking a guy who’s great in bed that I know I’m gonna have a falling out with after sex anyway!
Is there any such thing as “Goodbye For Good” sex and if not, am I really willing to find out the hard way?
I feel like I’m consciously spiraling out of control!